Rihanna is the most important millennial of our time. The Rihanna Rihport is where we chronicle the magnitude of her lived existence.

Rihanna, June 27—It was a temperate summer day on the Atlantic seaboard, the kind of day that could make you temporarily forget the oppressive humidity bearing on your chest, wilting your essence to live and temporarily sweltering out the northerly sea winds.

But it was a HOT ONE IN SPAIN, Y’ALL, because Our Grace and Queen of the Seven Kingdoms ROBYN RIHANNA FENTY was caught canoodling with a mystery man in a pool at a “posh villa”!! PARDON ME, SEÑOR, I JUST FAINTED FROM THE PROSPECT! TMZ dot com posted photos of our beloved leader and the true President of Earth getting hot, hot, HEAVY together and hopefully having the best time of their lives because if there’s anything Riri deserves it is a true good time and a nice man to put his hand on her head and appreciate her for who she is, which is ROBYN RIHANNA FENTY STORMBORN, mother of dragons and lord commander of the fleet of the Iron Islands and Navy! Also, this man has a tongue!

NAYVIEEEE! Is it a make-out? Is it TRUE LOVE? Who could this “mystery man” possibly be, and why does he think he is worthy enough to entertain the most royal person in all of the land???! DOES HE HAVE A GIANT EGO??? SUCH A BIG EGO??? Well, certain FAN FORUMS think he is a UK billionaire and that they spent time together in the Maldives, as well as in Japan earlier this year, and that MAYBE he was hanging with her on New Year’s Eve, too? If NAVY is correct they’ve been dating for at least SIX MONTHS! And you know what that means!!!

This has been Rihanna Rihport.

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