Sunday afternoon, Justin Bieber posted a photo of him straddling a woman on the hood of a matte black Audi. The photo, which he captioned “Lord knows,” immediately caused his followers—including myself—to lose their minds.
Was the woman in the photo Kourtney Kardashian, whom he recently hooked up with? And was “Lord” a reference to Scott Disick, her ex partner? Oh sweet fancy Moses, what if it was more than a casual hook up! What if they’re officially, like, on. On on. Does Selena know? What if she knows and doesn’t care?! Why do we keep associating Selena with Justin, anyway?! She’s her own person! What’s more important is whether or not Justin will be feuding with Scott the next season of KUWTK. What if someone captures a video of them screaming at each other at 1 OAK in Las Vegas?!?! What if I capture a video of them screaming at each other at 1 OAK in Las Vegas?! Why would I ever be at 1 OAK in Las Vegas??????
Calm down, because TMZ has an image of the moment from another angle, and it proves the woman in that photo was not Kourtney. She’s a blonde birthed by someone other than Kris Jenner whom Instagram commenters have identified as model Jasmine Villanueva. They’re probably in love.
Part of me is relieved. Part of me is disappointed.