New Starbucks Dress Code Allows Tattoos, Bans Engagement Rings

Man, Starbucks, for a company that prides itself on being politically progressive, you guys are kind of unbelievably persistent in your stodginess.

Starbucks has just released new dress code guidelines and for the first time in their history, employees are allowed to have tattoos. Congratulations, Starbucks, on joining the rest of us in the 21st century, where anyone under the age of 50 knows that tattoo no longer = criminal. On the other hand, you still aren’t allowed to dye your hair any “bright and unnatural colors,” because obviously only rakes and harlots would ever deign to have brightly colored hair. What uncouth ruffians are those callow youths! What’s next, showing their ankles?! I would say Starbucks is having its policies set by my grandmother except for the fact that even my grandmother would think that policy was laughable.

Oh, yeah, there’s also the fact that engagement rings, as well as any ring with a stone, are now banned, along with watches, bracelets, and wristbands. Starbucks claims this new ban is to meet “federal food safety guidelines,” which is a good indication that the chain is seeking to expand food offerings and become known as more than just a coffee shop. Considering their breakfast sandwiches taste like apathy given form, I wish them good luck with that.