New Lindsay Lohan Fornarina Commercial To Officially Kill '80s Nostalgia

Lindsay Lohan‘s Fornarina ad has the production values of an 8-bit animated Bulgarian public TV kids show. From 1981. There are disembodied lips, and Lindsay barks in the flattest delivery since Keanu in Point Break.

And to think, just a few years ago this scrawny Heidi Klum impersonator was the sweet-faced kid in The Parent Trap remake.

This ad poses so many questions. When Lindsay says “Click” and puts her little triangular pink gadget to the large triangular pink gadget what is she actually clicking on, and what motivates her to say “Flash. Wow”? And is the pink triangle motif the signifier of a radical lesbian political subtext? Is Lindsay telling us all to buy jeans and vote for gay marriage? Why does the set look like it’s inside a giant game of brick? Who directed this, and what connection do they have to the Tron sequel? When they were shooting this ad, did anyone on set amuse themselves by going off-script? The material seems to invite it; it’s a lot funnier to say “Slap. Kiss. Wang.” than “Bang. Wink. Smack.” Try it! “Snatch. Gush. Fingerbang. Blue. Crush. Jump. Hamburger!”