Never Go Outside

Illustration for article titled Never Go Outside
Image: Getty

It’s the least wonderful time of the year.

After an unusually long warm season, it’s just 40 degrees in New York City today, which is a good reminder that the outdoors are actually bad. Never go there.


I, myself, am guilty of living on the edge during the more temperate months of the year and indulging in the occasional breath of fresh air. But lest we forget, inside is the place to be.

Here are just some of the things that can happen to you the second you walk out your front door. In no particular order, you could:

  • be forced to make small talk with a stranger
  • contract eye parasites while going for a run
  • contract hypothermia
  • get heat stroke
  • be killed by flying debris from a gender-reveal party
  • run into your ex
  • run into someone you ghosted
  • run into someone who ghosted you
  • get hit by a bus
  • accidentally step in dog poop or some unidentifiable street liquid
  • get murdered
  • have to walk behind a very slow walker
  • be caught in a flash mob
  • receive a public proposal

Any or all of these equally terrible situations could be your fate if you choose to go outside today. So, lock the door and order some takeout. It’s not worth it!

producer, jezebel



But November is my birthday month (it’s Monday!) so I have to go outside to get Indian food for lunch and see the live production of Dracula I have tickets for!