My Quarantine Stockpile Is Weed

I have largely avoided prepping for coronavirus because of hubris and also because of my preternatural tendency to avoid panic unless it feels absolutely, irrevocably necessary to do so. I am the woman standing inside a burning building, urging others that it’s okay to come inside, it’s just a little smoke, nothing to worry about. This tendency, which has been a balm in times of stress, is starting to become less so now. Finally, after enough “gentle” encouragement, I will go to the grocery store to see if I can find some beans and most importantly, I will stock up on the one thing that will get me and my latent anxiety through: weed.

Understanding what the correct amount of weed to have on hand for times of social distancing or distress is a personal journey, but for me, I have a rough idea of what I do or do not need to have on hand: some edibles, a vape, and maybe, if I am feeling fancy, a little brick of regular weed so that the off-brand Hello Kitty mini-bong can get some use. Weed is helpful for managing anxiety in a pinch, but also for managing long stretches of boredom, which we all might encounter if a quarantine is mandatory and everyone is stuck inside their homes. Gazing at a stray chip of paint on the wall is that much more exciting if you’re stoned, as is any other activity, including but not limited to washing your hands, cleaning the stove, and convincing your parents that they should under no circumstances get on a cruise or an airplane, for the love of god.

If you can manage being outside while slightly, pleasantly stoned, grocery shopping for the pandemic becomes slightly more enjoyable. Instead of seeing existential terror when the bean aisle is empty, you will find other opportunities arising, instead. Rice, if it’s there. Any vegan meat crumbles. A giant jar of kimchi. Mac and cheese. Hot dogs. Everything is now an adventure—not in a The Road way, but something more akin to a pleasant version of Diner Dash, an iPhone game that makes me feel alive: you’re tending little fires, you are making the best of it, you are being resourceful, and cool, and calm.