My Little Pony Melts in a Jar of Old Semen

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? The world may never know. How many months does it take before a plastic figurine becomes partially “caramelized” in a container of human goo? About eight months. What’s the worst part? The smell. The smell. Oh god, the smell.

I know that this sounds like the beginning of a really long and awful joke, but I need you to bear with me here, because this is a thing you need to know about. This is a horse boiled in semen. This, my friends, is the end of the internet. You and I both know that anything you can find anything you google (cat with gaping asshole? Yep!), but not even I would ever to think to search for a spooge-infused (artisan!) my little pony figurine. But thank god someone knew that others might want to see it.

Let’s leave the description of the entire thing to Horse News, which has got the scoop:

For quite some time now, the “Pony Cum Jar Project” has been going down in the shadows, with one anonymous man collecting all of his ejaculations in a jar, containing a Rainbow Dash toy. This week, the man was horrified to find that the jar, which had been stored too close to a heat radiator, had evidently caramelized the glucose in his semen. The resulting stench was reportedly too unbearable to continue the “project”.

You will be shocked to learn that the man who entombed Rainbow Dash in his own sperm is no stranger to drowning plastic ponies in his congealed baby batter. In fact, when the project was over due to the unforeseen circumstances, he actually produced another jar filled with jism and a My Little Pony to show what a normal non-boiled jar full of Piers Morgan looks like. How long it took him to collect all that semen? Months, possibly years. And he had to have spilled some, right? And sometimes not that much comes out? This is a real study in dedication. A disgusting study, to be sure, but we can’t all be spending our time trying to find a cure for Ebola.

I would embed the full photos, but looking at them actually turned my stomach (which is generally immune to internet gross outs) so here’s a link. Enjoy never eating or drinking again. (Or even looking at caramel.) (That looks like caramel, right? It kind of is. Oh lord, oh lord, oh lord.)