My Bizarre Interview With Amazon Bestseller and Catfish Kitty Glitter

By Anna Breslaw | February 16, 2013 | 10:00pm

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Warning: Some of these plot descriptions are hella sexually graphic.

In March of last year, something called Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, by someone called Kitty Glitter appeared at #12 on the Amazon Kindle bestseller list. “What the fuck is this?” asked the Internet. This is what it is:

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And that’s where Wesley Crusher came in. In the girl’s mouth, stifling the scream caused by the tiny barbs that encircled the tip of Meow Solo’s penis. The barbs scraped against her rectal walls, tearing out chunks of flesh as the feline pilot extraordinaire withdrew his penis from her virgin ass.

The author has 18 eBooks available on Amazon, mostly smutty erotic fan fiction that seems to feature cats fucking humans or humans fucking objects. One of them is about period blood that comes to life and defends a bullied teenage girl. My personal favorite based on nothing but the title, A Story For Ke$ha, concerns:

Miniature puppies and kittens find themselves on a violent collision course with a band of evil roaches in this thrilling tale!

The author’s bio reads: Kitty Glitter grew up on the streets of East Orange, NJ. Her husband, Champagne, is doing 15 years upstate and she is trying to raise five kids by herself. On top of working three jobs Kitty is trying to sell some ebooks. Promo videos on YouTube feature what appears to be a random assembly of all kinds of people, one of whom is dressed like Jesus, hawking Ashton Kutcher’s Space-Sex Rampage.

Mind you, I have no idea whether any of this is true, but the other day Kitty Glitter and I talked on the Internet about her books and Katy Perry (whom Kitty calls “the closest thing we have to an Anne Sexton right now”).

Where did Wesley Crusher go? It doesn’t appear to be available on Amazon anymore.

CBS owns the rights to Star Trek. They sent a cease and desist letter to me and Amazon both. So Amazon totally dissed me and removed it. It was all underground and shit at first so like nobody cared but then Regretsy blew it up so CBS was like “You totally can’t damage Wesley Crusher’s reputation. Star Trek is the most serious thing ever.” Who knows how much it would have sold by now if not for me getting put on blast and then f’d in the mouth.

“Wesley Crusher Teenage Fuck Machine” is still available in an alternate version called “Wil Wheaton: Teenage Hump Machine”. This features all the awesomeness of the original but with extra scenes that follow a sex romance between Meow Solo and Zooey Deschanel. If you want to read about Zooey Deschanel’s pussy squirting right into Meow Solo’s eyes after he eats her pussy with his abrasive kitty tongue then you really need to buy “Will Wheaton: Teenage Hump Machine”.

Also cuz it totally sets up the sequel “Ashton Kutcher’s Space-Sex Rampage.”

Are you actually a woman? Is any of this real? Who are you?!

My background is a mix of all kinds of lies and facts and delusions. I’m like the Joker in “The Dark Knight”. So my background depends on like my mood. Today I am Kitty Glitter though and I’m a black female writer from East Orange, NJ. I was actually born in the Queensbridge projects though. Before me, Nas was the biggest phenomena to come out of those projects. Now it’s me. As a writer of fiction though the most important thing to know about me is that I am the protege of Patricia Highsmith. She was my mentor, or at least her ghost was. She taught me how to write.

Are you just an “ironic” boy from Brooklyn? I’m so curious. I need to know.

No. Ew. Not Brooklyn. I really hate Brooklyn actually and never go there. I also don’t like irony.

Who are your writing inspirations?

I am the protege of Patricia Highsmith. She was my mentor, or at least her ghost was. She taught me how to write. Also Flannery O’Connor, Richard Laymon, Heidi Honeycutt, Katy Perry, Sophie Ellis-Bextor, Sam Kinison, Chris Elliot.

I see in this interview that you’re writing something about the Chipettes.

My Chipettes story is called The Wet Clits. It’s not about the Chipettes but my own version of them. A three piece female chipmunk girl band called the Wet Clits. They are three sisters who are nymphos and like to fuck tomcats. They go on adventures in their van and sometimes have the help of their ghostly manager Ghostly Ellis-Bextor, she is like a mix of Casper the ghost and Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

In Sherlock Holmes: A Strange Case of Dicklessness, does he find the dick? Where is it?

The dick belongs to Jack the Ripper. The dick finds people, it’s a hunter.

Sherlock Holmes is supposedly a virgin. What sort of virginity-loss scene would you want to write for him?

I imagine him doing it with like some girl hooker just to get it out of the way. But he isn’t a very sexual person. Studies have shown that some chaps are so cerebral they don’t need sex or whatevs. I would see him doing it with a red headed dominatrix who was American. She’d be all ginger colored like red hair and freckles and her feet would be size six for some reason. Like that detail would be important. Her name would be Scooter Pie. Sherlock Holmes would lose his virginity to this girl while she beat him, punched his face real hard.

Thanks, Kitty Glitter.

Here’s @crimekittehs.