Despite the fact that all of their last names are either nouns or verbs, I have been able to tell the difference between Oscar winners Helen Hunt, Holly Hunter, and Jodie Foster since right around the time my brain development allowed me to realize that different facial features usually indicate different people. This ability, I discovered today, makes me different from 99.9 percent of the world’s population, including my co-workers, who are generally much better than I am at literally everything except this one rare, remarkable skill I apparently possess.
The debate around whether all three of the aforementioned women are, in fact different women began as we collectively empathized via Slack with Vulture’s Rachel Handler, who mistakenly called Helen Hunt “Jodie” in an interview while trying to ask her about being mistaken for Jodie Foster.
From there, all hell broke loose as my—once again, usually much smarter and light-years more culturally knowledgable than me—colleagues discovered that Helen Hunt, Holly Hunter, and Jodie Foster are three individual human beings and not just one staggeringly talented actor who was in every film made between 1990-1999. Here is a transcript of me attempting to help the rest of the Jezebel staff untangle their mental knot of Jodie Hunters.
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Joan Summers: In all honesty, I have never seen Twister or really know anything about Holly Hunter lol.
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: She called her Jodie.
Joan Summers: Why would she call her Jodie?
Joan Summers: Yes, I am missing context on this Holly Hunter person as well as Jodie Foster it seems
Emily Alford: Wait, by Holly Hunter do you all mean Helen Hunt?
Julianne Escobedo Shepherd: Goddammit. Helen hunt. Not Holly Hunter.
Lisa Fischer: Put some respect on Helen’s name. Mad About You 4eva.
Emily Alford: Turns Out, Helen Hunt Is Neither Jodie Foster Nor Holly Hunter
Hazel Cills: Not to be rude, but Helen can not compete with Jodie or Holly.
Emily Alford: HELEN HUNT NEVER GOT A CHANCE. She absolutely could have been a contender, Hazel.
Hazel Cills: Wow.
Lisa Fischer: Jodie > Helen > Holly
Emily Alford: Oh no. Holly > Jodie > Helen
Hazel Cills: Holly > Jodie > Helen. Wait am I doing this wrong?
Emily Alford: Hazel, we agree and are friends again.
Hazel Cills: No other way! Stony white women.
Ashley Reese: I’m gonna be honest.
Ashley Reese: Gun to my head, I wouldn’t be able to name ‘em.
Joan Summers: Same, Ashley.
Ashley Reese: NO OFFENSE
Hazel Cills: I’m really not offended. They’re all the same woman in a different font.
To any co-workers reading this, I am also not offended, just now deeply concerned that my co-workers think I am also Alexis Fitts and Kelly Faircloth.