Every year, millions of American men and boys are infected with douchebaggery — a soul-fatal condition in 90% of cases. While we know frustratingly little about the causes of douchebaggery, we see its devastating effects all around: public urination, the continuing popularity of Tosh.0, and, now, this latest Useless Breast Cancer Acknowledging Gestures campaign that just consists of terminally malignant bros motorboating women’s boobs. That’s why this year’s Douchebag Awareness Month couldn’t have come at a better time.
The group responsible for this stunt — the Douchbag Positive (douche-pos) collective known as Simple Pickup — are the same wincing beta males who forcefully motorboated women at last year’s ComicCon and then posted videos to the internet, according to The Daily Dot. Their scheme is simple: walk around asking women if they can put their faces in between their breasts and then go “brbrbrbrbrb,” and, in exchange, the bros will donate $20 to a breast cancer charity. And then make a video about it and be like Hey look at us we’re Good Guys we care about boobies and all of this is okay because CHARITY and AWARENESS.
I know it’s tough to watch but, dear readers, please suffer through the entire thing. It’s important that we confront the raw reality of douchebaggery — it isn’t sexy, glamorous, or dignified. It’s disfiguring, horrifying, grotesque. It’s kidult males using a serious disease that might one day kill their mothers or sisters or other female humans as an excuse to coerce strangers into letting them rub their Proactive-shellacked faces on their breasts. Douchebaggery is what leads 4’s to think the world owes them 9’s. Douchebaggery hollows you out from inside.
“Our intent is always to make people laugh,” Simple Pickup told us in August. “We never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable afterwards. After we film a prank, we inform everyone involved that it was just a joke. If anyone for any reason does not feel comfortable with it, we take down the video immediately.
“In the case of the Tumblr backlash, the videos are being presented in a non-humorous light,” they added. “If someone is presented a prank video out of context, then the video loses [its] initial meaning.”
According to the American Medical Association, doing awful shit and then claiming “IT’S A JOKE/SATIRE!” is the often the first sign of metastatic douchebaggery.
How can a person like you or I, someone who goes out of their way to avoid douchebags, take on a cultural infliction that threatens half of the population? Not with derision, scorn, and shame — those have been scientifically proven to further entrench defensive douchbag behavior in people who are already suffering. No, what douchebags really need is to look in the mirror. So the next time you’re approached by a grinning Axe Body Spray-smelling Abercrombie idiot clutching a microphone asking if he can motorboat you For Breast Cancer, tell him that you’ll gladly allow him to do with your breasts what he will — as long as he reciprocally consents to an on-street prostate exam from the pedestrian of your choice.
It might seem hopeless, but together, we can win this fight.
