More Adult Lunchboxes, Please

There’s a Starbucks on the way to the office near Times Square. The Starbucks sells a box, I recently discovered. Throughout the summer, on occasion, I would pick up a Pink Drink, like a true basic bitch; and on days when the thought of choosing a lunch struck me with anxiety, maybe I would swipe a lunchbox, situated in its cold station near the register for lazy eaters. There are a few of them, but I like to get the ones with small bites, the boxes packed with what I like to call healthy items. Some apple slices. Cucumbers. Peanut butter and bread. Maybe a treat like chocolate.

“Natural peanut butter is spread on our soft, honey wheat bread and served with a side of string cheese, chocolate-covered raisins, apples, veggies and Greek yogurt ranch dip for a yummy twist on this classic, peanut-y favorite. Now with 50% more peanut butter & jelly and 20 grams of protein,” says the Starbucks site of one of its boxes. I have no idea if this lunchbox is marketed toward children, but I know one thing: it’s marketed toward me.

My failure as an adult means apples and carrots are items I don’t eat on a daily basis, meaning this box does a good job of fulfilling my required nutrition, something I’d rather not think about. Thinking about what to eat for lunch, as you may know, is both imposing and sometimes stressful. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder, What will I eat for lunch today? It’s one of life’s nagging mundanities.

Megan Reynolds said one of her thousand sisters refers to this magic lunchbox as “the lunch of a middle manager named Kevin on his way home to Tulsa.” That may be true. It’s also the perfect meal for the indecisive, like myself; it’s efficient and ideal for the coming age in which we will have all transformed into machines programmed only to work, sleep, and fornicate for breeding and never pleasure. I guess that makes me part of the bowl revolution. That’s fine. I guess I could just get a Lunchables, but, please, don’t be silly. Those are for kids. What I need is someone to pack lunch for me, an adult. I would love it if more brands heard the message and made more of these. Get creative.