Sen. Josh Hawley (R-Mo.), a man whose salary we all unfortunately help pay, is writing a book, or having someone write one under his name. Either way, it’s coming out in May 2023, and it’s called Manhood: The Masculine Virtues Americans Need.
We’ll save you the suspense: This book literally no one asked for is based on a speech Hawley once gave to fellow reactionary idiots:
Hawley announced the book days after he made headlines for running in fear away from a Capitol insurrection he helped foment. In a video shown at the House Jan. 6 hearings, which drew much laughter from the room, Hawley raises a fist in support of the mob of insurrectionists outside the Capitol, and then later literally sprints through the halls to escape them. (See bel0w.)
So this is definitely the most hilarious and humiliating possible moment for the senator to announce that he’s writing the definitive book on what it means to be a man. But conservative men will no doubt buy it nonetheless, because the masculinity panic on the Right is very real: Fox News darling Tucker Carlson, who hosted an entire special on how to raise testosterone levels earlier this year, had a former Abercrombie and Fitch manager on his to recommend tanning one’s testicles. Nevermind that experts warn that toasting your balls (“bromeopathic therapy,” as Carlson’s show called it) could actually kill a man’s fertility, because testicles hang outside the body specifically for the purpose of keeping sperm cool.
Anyway, in an attempt to make this a legitimate book of research and effort, Hawley “will draw from Greek and Roman philosophers, Jesus and his political icon Teddy Roosevelt,” the Kansas City Star reports. With those inspirations, I can only imagine what will be in it. Obviously, there has to be a chapter or two on guns; perhaps he’ll use the history of Teddy Roosevelt’s Rough Riders to argue that men should be defending their women on horseback again? In that vein, maybe Hawley will suggest that real men sport thick, TR-style mustaches? (Though we could be on board with that.)
As part of his Manhood promo tour, Hawley will be speaking at a very embarrassing Christian men’s conference on strength a few weeks before the release. Nothing says “buy my book!”—or, really, “I’m insecure about my small dick!”—quite like opening for a monster truck rally. Godspeed, Josh!