Mitch McConnell Says Joe Biden Has Gotten, Like, Totally Stuck Up Since He Became President

Illustration for article titled Mitch McConnell Says Joe Biden Has Gotten, Like, Totally Stuck Up Since He Became President
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Mitch McConnell says that he believes Joe Biden has stopped speaking to him because the administration has shifted “hard left.” Everyone who has ever read about, heard, or seen Mitch McConnell could easily infer that the conversation has likely stopped because McConnell is horrible to talk to, almost certainly has breath that smells as though his innards are decomposing, and now that Trump is gone has become—to use the correct political science terminology—a giant dork in Washington D.C.


Like a middle schooler tattling to the teacher that the rest of the group in social studies had a sleepover without him, McConnell recently cried to Fox News that Biden said all the cool politicians were going to have pizza at the White House and then he saw on Instagram that the popular kids were being total snobs to him:

“I haven’t been invited to the White House, so far this administration is not interested in doing anything on a bipartisan basis in the political center,” McConnell said, per The Hill. “There’s been no efforts whatsoever by the president or the administration to do anything in the political center. It’s been trying to jam through everything on the hard left.”

Since his best friend Don moved away, it’s been really hard for Mitch, sitting at his little lunch table plotting to kill poor people all alone. Fingers crossed that when Kamala hands out invitations for her birthday party at the skating rink, she’ll be the bigger person...and hand one to the cooler kid standing right beside Mitch while purposely avoiding eye contact so that Mitch runs home and cries himself to sleep beneath his Statler Brothers poster.


chocolate covered raisons d'être

Bet Ted Cruz would love to have you come over for soup and to show you his fingernail collection.