Miley Cyrus' Opening Number Is BANANAS

Miley Cyrus started her Bangerz tour yesterday and it looks…interesting. If her opening number is any indication, this concert pretty much encapsulates everything we’ve seen Miley do in the past several months: underwear as outerwear, sinister-looking stuffed animals, a little person carrying a photo of Britney Spears’ head on a stick and wearing the costume from “Oops…I Did it Again.” You know, normal stuff that you’d see at home when you’re visiting for spring break; none of it at all racist. No word on whether that amazing singing cat is in it. [Getty]

Kim Kardashian received 1,000 roses for Valentine’s Day and posed with them in the most elementary goth way possible. What does one actually do with 1,000 roses? Is she going to press them? Sell them to people on the street for $5 a pop? “You’d better buy that rose or you don’t love him!” Kim will yell as she peddles her surplus of American Beauties on La Cienaga. [Instagram]

This is what’s going on with Mariah Carey right now. I don’t understand it and it is making me a little bit nervous. The lambs are worried, Mariah! (Mostly about that lighting.)

Christina Aguilera is getting married. Daphne Aguilera will likely not be serving as maid of honor. [Us]
Amber Riley has released two new songs for our enjoyment. I like to think she recorded both of them as she bust the windows out someone’s car because DAMN that was an amazing performance. [ONTD]
Matt Damon, Bill Murray, and Hugh Bonneville were on The Graham Norton show. Paloma Faith was also there being affected and uncomfortable. I really want to like Paloma Faith. What am I not getting? [Youtube]
Kate Mara is worried that Obama is watching her. And she’s worried that he’s judging. This is about her show, by the way, not NSA surveillance. Kate Mara is trying really, really hard. [Pajiba]
Ravenswood is cancelled. What is this? A TV adaptation of a hidden object adventure game? [E!]
Alec and Hilaria Baldwin shared a photo of themselves smooching while doing yoga. Someone took this picture. It is not a selfie. [E!]
Pat and Vanna spent V-day together. Platonically. [TMZ]
Where Garth Brooks goes, piss and vomit follow. [TMZ]
Lena Dunham can really sing according to Andrew Rannells. Anyone want to take bets on whether it is that really earnest type of show tune singing so many of us did in high school? Like when we would earnestly run up to people and start lyrically demanding to know whether our friends could the people sing; they are singing the songs of angry men! [People]
Speaking of Rannells, let’s see what his former co-star Linnethia Leakes is doing. Oh no! Nene may be quitting Atlanta! Why did I look? [HipHollywood]
Fuck it, let’s go down this rabbit hole and check in with the other housewives. What are you doing ladies? Jill was on OWN. Luann is taking an improv class. There’s going to be a real housewives awards show. [EW]
Bethenny has been cancelled. Please let’s stop trying to make Bethenny happen. [JustJared]
Paula Deen is coming back. And she will be avenged. And by avenged, I mean that I hope that she starts off each show with a culturally competent and socially relevant statement on why racism is bad. And also, butter. [E!]
Kim and Kanye are going to wear crowns to their wedding. If this is real, is anyone really surprised? [Celebitchy]
Michelle Duggar says: never turn your husband down for sex. I say : wait him out and don’t come to bed until he’s already asleep, that way everyone wins. (Or at least I do.) (I’m sorry you have to think about me doing sex now.) [Celebitchy]
Colin Farrell and Retta are in a video campaign to raise awareness of Angelman Syndrome. [People]
Lady Gaga is the new spokeswoman for the California drought. She will be encouraging all her “little monsters” to conserve water. I am a little disappointed that Gaga is not actually speaking for the drought because that would be in-character for her. Lady Gaga for the east wind. Lady Gaga for a plague of frogs and locusts. [LA Times]
Is Beetlejuice 2 coming? Is Winona Ryder free? [LA Times]