Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth Ride Wrecking Balls Straight Into Divorce Court

Graphic: Jezebel

Welcome to Jezebel Inquires, an incredibly serious tabloid about incredibly serious things, like how exactly Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth plan on dividing up their many, many animals, or rumors that Tom Cruise boarded his Scientology spaceship to meet with Downtown Abbey actress Michelle Dockery for a sexy, Dianetics-infused holiday getaway. With the holidays ramping up, and the Yuletide spirit becoming an unstoppable cultural force hellbent on ruining everything around us, it’s important to check in on those we care about most—the famous people in our lives. Everyone knows they have it the hardest this time of year, as it’s a lot of work traveling back and forth from Los Angeles to every private island currently accessible to the rich and famous!

Let’s get gossiping.

Graphic: Joan Summers/Jezebel, Screenshot: In Touch, Ok!, Star, Life & Style, Us Weekly
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Hot Gossip:

I’d like to lead with this week’s blind item, courtesy of In Touch, because it has me baffled. I only know about soap operas by proxy—mostly, my grandmother watching Days of Our Lives every afternoon—so my usual well of gossip knowledge is seriously shortchanged when soap rumors run rampant. Here’s the blind:

This soap opera siren was so desperate to get ahead, she seduced and married one of the show’s leading men. Their relationship ended when he came home and found her in bed with another man, but her reputation remained intact, and she went on to be a big star (much bigger than him.) She hasn’t had better luck in the marriage department, though—she’s now on her fourth.

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Moving on: tipsters at the tabloid claim Owen Wilson “flipped out over his orange juice” at Santa Monica eatery Erewhon a few weeks ago. A spy who was present claims: “He caused such a scene—his arms were flailing all over the place and he was yelling at the server. Even the woman he was with had to tell him to calm down.” Reps for Wilson deny the story, but it isn’t much of a stretch to imagine any rich man yelling at a cashier about random beverages.

Speaking of altercations, Tamron Hall had to defend herself after rumors surfaced she was furious with Kelly Clarkson’s talk show renewal, allegedly telling a staffer: “We would have gotten an early renewal too, if you were all doing a better job.” I’m mostly uninterested in the specifics, as this sort of manufactured television drama usually whips up around renewal season—drama drives viewers, which bolster profit margins for the network. Hall claims she is “passionate” about her show, and has no ill will with Clarkson, which I believe! Even if there was underlying resentment, Hall is too smart and seasoned to openly criticize Kelly Clarkson, beloved NBC-Universal-Comcast commodity. I’d also like to point out that the layout for the spread shows a confused looking Clarkson (“INNOCENT BYSTANDER!”) looking on while Hall is given the “angry” treatment, with a photograph absolutely taken out of context. Media literacy—In Touch thinks its readers have none!

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Somewhere else in Los Angeles, Us Weekly claims that Gigi and Bella Hadid’s incredibly rich dad Mohamed has been ordered to rip down his $100 million Bel Air mansion amid allegations of bankruptcy fraud. Neighbors of Hadid claim he has been secretly removing valuables to hide from officials handling his company’s bankruptcy so that he won’t be required to front the $5 million demolition on the property. Interestingly, Life & Style has a separate item concerning the Hadids, with tipsters spreading rumors that neither Bella or Gigi will front their father the required money to crawl out of the mansion sized pit his finances are plummeting into. According to the source: “The girls love their father, but they aren’t going to risk their hard-earned fortunes to get him out of this mess.” Yolanda Hadid, meanwhile, is somewhere picking at a lemon tree.

Not all of Hollywood, is broke, however! Life & Style reports that Seth MacFarlane recently purchased a 6900 sq. ft. Malibu manse, while Justin Bieber dropped $150,000 on a Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Offshore diamond watch. It would also seem that one of Lisa Vanderpump’s many acolytes is back to planting stories about the disgraced Bravo fixture, following a claim by an anonymous source that executives are “begging” the puppy baroness to crawl her way back to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I highly doubt they’d apply the pressure, considering the massive success of Vanderpump Rules!

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Graphic: Joan Summers/Jezebel, Screenshot: In Touch, Ok!, Star, Life & Style, Us Weekly

Horny Time:

Sexy singles Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are gearing up for battle in Los Angeles divorce court in the coming month, according to leaked court documents obtained by Life & Style. Records show that the pair will most likely be required to show up in court January 21 if Hemsworth and power-attorney Laura Wasser don’t pick up the pace in filing necessary documents, as outlined by the status conference that was held on December 3, 2019. Because most divorce proceedings, and the documents associated with them, are not available to the public, I can only confirm that the existence of a “Case Review Conference” is scheduled that day. Whether this is the conference Life & Style is talking about is unclear, but I suspect it’s likely.

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According to the tabloid, sources claim: “Miley and Liam haven’t really spoken since they called it quits and the tension has been brewing.” This tension, of course, is probably due to their incredibly messy split, her extremely public fling with Kaitlynn Carter, and her recent single “Slide Away”—which alleges that Hemsworth “drank too much and popped pills.” Tipsters add fuel to these rumors, telling the outlet: “There’s a lot that went on behind closed doors that we don’t know about—sex scandals, drugs, jealous rages.”

Regardless the reason for their split, Hemsworth has obviously prepared for war. Laura Wasser’s client list includes Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp, Jennifer Garner, Ryan Reynolds, and Gwen Stefani. These celebrities, I might add, were fixtures in many of Hollywood’s most contentious divorces. It makes sense for Hemsworth, though! Cyrus holds the upper hand in the divorce: her celebrity, her fans, her overwhelmingly larger financial reserves. But the couple also signed a prenup. The contents of it are unknown, but I doubt that the ecosystem of lawyers and business managers and agents Miley has in orbit around her would have allowed that prenup to favor Hemsworth. Too bad!

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The tabloid has also been informed by tipsters that Jennifer Aniston—she’s fine!—and Justin Theroux are “friends with benefits,” following Instagram stories depicting a fun and festive Thanksgiving hosted by the hydration expert. I’m also baffled by rumors that Tom Cruise began yet another Scientology mating ritual with an unsuspecting actress. Sources at Star claim the busybody actor and occasional couch-jumper has wooed Michelle Dockery, famous for Downtown Abbey and some other movies I won’t watch, after the pair dined together at the British Fashion Awards December 2. Star reports that “they clearly had a great time together, so much in fact, that he promptly boarded her on his spaceship and flew her back to the Dianetics motherland. But before rumors of a hot and heavy romance spin wildly out of control, sources stress that the two are “taking things slow.” This includes holding back on “over the top gestures and gifts” so he can “deepen their bond as friends.” (Michelle—call me!)

Elsewhere, Emma Stone was engaged to some man while Ok! reports that Rami Malek continued his job as Lucy Boynton’s “number one fan.” The tabloid also claims Chrishell Stause thinks Justin Hartley is a coward, and that she “won’t forgive him for blindsiding her.” Go off! Us Weekly claims that Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas are doing absolutely fine. Build-a-boyfriend Sam Asghari is also fine—“rock solid” even!—despite the controversy surrounding Britney Spears. And watch this space! Us Weekly claims that Princess Beatrice has cancelled her December 18 engagement party at London’s Chiltern Firehouse because of the “controversy” surrounding Prince Andrew. Controversy is applied rather liberally here, but I suspect she’s simply moved the party out of the public eye. Besides, this “controversy” didn’t stop her sister from partying it up at Art Basel with Paris Hilton!

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Lastly, I’m troubled by reports from In Touch that Lamar Odom’s new girlfriend Sabrina Parr allegedly abused her ex husband. Court documents obtained by In Touch show Parr was arrested on two counts of felonious assault and one count of domestic violence, after which she was sentenced to six months in prison and three years probation. She successfully appealed this conviction, and was released early with amended charges. (Obstruction of justice and assault.) Antonio Davis, her ex-husband, tells the outlet: “I’m a 200 pound ex-football player—I’m not small—but she would have me on the ground, stomping me and beating me up, on a weekly basis.” Among his other allegations includes an incident where she hit him over the head with a trophy. Lamar, meanwhile, has not spoken publicly on Parr’s past.

What the Fuck Did She Wear?

Graphic: Joan Summers/Jezebel, Screenshot: In Touch, Ok!, Star, Life & Style, Us Weekly
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Kendall Jenner donned a decorative two piece for her Miami getaway with gal pals Bella Hadid and Kourtney Kardashian. It was fine! I’m more interested in Prince William’s lab coat and matching gloves. The fit on the jacket is terrible, and the watch he’s wearing really throws off the colorway. Also—if you’re going to wear a button down shirt to the science factory, make sure you button it all the way to the top! This isn’t a house of charlatans, Prince Williams. It’s a respectable facility for studying climate change’s disastrous effects on marine life!

Kaia Gerber, in a perfectly normal Marc Jacobs suit, promoted some Marc Jacobs perfume. I’m not mad at it! There’s also Justin Bieber’s Drew House pajama suit, complete with a bottle of kombucha and his iPhone. I actually like the fit of the top, even if it’s derivative of Moschino’s worst output, but he loses me at the slippers. It’s raining, Justin, your slippers are going to mold! As for the worst fashion criminal this week, Will Smith wore a confounding outfit for his appearance on Ellen. The striped shirt clashes hideously with the jacket, the pants don’t fit, and I cannot understand the thirty-seven conflicting shades of gray! It’s like he tried to get dressed for a business meeting at a hip startup after leaving the gym, but was interrupted by a parade of Gap models who forcibly recruited him into their ranks. You’re rich, Will. Hire a fucking stylist!

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Meanwhile, Lady Gaga wore some massive claws to her Haus Labs pop-up shop at The Grove in Los Angeles. The look was whatever—skintight mini with a plunging neckline—but I’d mostly like to discuss the beauty. It’s obvious she’s wearing her own products. What I don’t understand, is the general ethos of this makeup launch. With lip shades like “Haus of Chained Ballerina,” I’m struggling to understand the connective tissue between this collection, her artistic identity, and Jeff Bezos’ wallet. Whatever is happening—it makes me incredibly sad! (Cool nails, though.) Also, when I saw Camila Cabello’s Ralph & Russo something or other...I immediately knew it was Ralph & Russo. And that’s because it’s terrible! At least I can say, with every ounce of confidence in my tiny body, that the two deserve each other! My colleague at Kotaku, Gita Jackson, illustrated this dress’ proportions with a helpful graphic. Thanks, Gita!

Illustration: Gita Jackson
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I’d also like my readers’ opinions on Katy “Kitty Kat” Perry’s sexy Santa suit, which she debuted in her steamy Christmas single, “Cozy Little Christmas.” Personally, I’m not entirely despondent while looking at it. On the other hand, I cannot stand her hard pivot to Adult Woman Dressing Like an E-Girl in an “I Love Lucy” reboot. Find a new wig, please! Feeling the Yuletide spirit himself, world’s sexiest Christmas Elf John Legend bopped around in some Keebler cosplay on an episode of The Tonight Show. No word yet on if viewers were traumatized by his extremely low cut blazer, but at least the leggings look like they fit!

Shit Talking:

  • Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, on turning his addictive personality into a superpower: “I’ve turned my addictive personality into a superpower.” [In Touch]
  • Christian Bale, on his wife calling him a dick: “She was like [...] ‘You’re a dick.’” [Ok!]
  • Paul Rudd, on making a fake ID in high school: “When I was in high school, I made a fake ID.” [Us Weekly]
  • Jennifer Lopez, on things that make her horny: “A lot of things make me horny.” [Life & Style]
  • Tiffany Haddish, on wishing she could twerk at the Oscars with Meryl Streep and Susan Sarandon: “We’d have twerk contests and everything, I’d get Meryl Streep up there to twerk with Susan Sarandon.” [Us Weekly]
  • Hoda Kotb, on not caring being tired: “I don’t even care about being tired.” [Ok!]
  • Dolly Parton, on sort of looking like a “hooker”: “Well, don’t I look sort of like a hooker?” [Us Weekly]
  • Kesha, on buying a bed: “My first extravagant purchase, after “Tik Tok,” was my huge bed. [Life & Style]
  • Billie Eilish, on judging celebrities’ ugly ass dresses at the Grammys: “As cool as everything is, it’s like, the Grammys. I’ve watched that every single year of my entire life. Judging all the girls’ ugly ass dresses. [Ok!]
  • Haylie Duff, on renovating her house and getting her closet installed: “I renovated our house, and I got my closet installed.” [In Touch]

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