Men's Health Knows You're Interested, Ladies

Ladies, you are terrible at hiding your lady emotions, which is why Men’s Health was able to compile a top ten list of the signs that you’re interested in a dude. Like to hear it? Here it go:

Some women go out looking for sex,” the article begins, “Here’s how to find them and make it happen.” Charming! Let’s make it happen, shall we?

She’s Chatting Up the Bartender

A flirtatious woman can hardly contain herself. She won’t let a male waiter or bartender take her order without flashing a smile and saying something silly, like, “What can you make me that would be really yummy?”

Women be flirtin’, yeah? I know whenever I’ve been really into a dude, the first thing I do when I get to a bar is immediately hit on the bartender, because as everyone knows, any woman who shows any signs of sexual interest whatsoever is a total whorebag who simply can’t contain her whorishness and must flirt with every man on earth, no matter what. Bonus points for using words like “yummy,” especially if you deliver them in a voice that sounds like a 4th grader who just figured out how to suck helium out of balloons at a birthday party.

Her Drink is Big, Frozen, and Blue

She’s ready to party, which means meeting new people and having a good time, not getting naked with the first guy who buys her another round. But sometimes it does mean getting naked with the first hot, cool guy who buys her another round.

That’s right, bro. If she’s drinking a big, dumb-looking drink, it means she totally wants you. Just you, and nobody else. It couldn’t possibly be that she actually just wants, you know, a big blue frozen drink, because everyone knows that big blue frozen drink is code for “I’d like the penis of the gentlemen in the corner, please, the one who reads Men’s Health and therefore has seen the sign which has opened up his eyes.” I once forgot this rule when ordering a Blue Raspberry Icee at the movies and had to fight off 10 dudes with Men’s Health subscriptions by flinging pieces of super pretzel at their faces and yelling, “I should have ordered cherry! Symbolism! SYMBOLISM!”

Her Pupils are Dilated

If she’s feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate. That’s because her body is programmed to want to see more of whatever’s exciting her, so her brain tells her irises to let in more light. Time to make your move.

Either that or she’s just spent a half-hour at LensCrafters, you know?

She’s a Chatterbox

If she leans forward when you’re talking or asks you endless questions, the only way to shut her up is to kiss her.

Ugh, women, am I right? Always talking and shit! And when they lean in because they can’t hear you when the music’s blaring, or when they like, ask you questions and shit? What a drag! You better shut her up and kiss her, bro, or you’ll have to deal with like, the thoughts in her head and whatever bullshit she has to spew that doesn’t involve what a rad stud you are.

She’s Wearing Thigh-High Stockings

Women only wear sexy underthings when they’re expecting a man to see them. If she’s wearing a thong, she’s trying to avoid panty lines, but sex is on her mind, too. Anything black, red, pink, leopard print, or lace equals “I want you.”

Oh man. Lesbians, did you know this? Do your girlfriends know? You should probably inform them that sexy underthings are only for the heteros, according to Men’s Health. And ladies, unless you want to have sex, you should probably hit the club in your sweatpants and period underwear, preferably the blue ones with the print on them that reads, “No sex tonight, thanks, I’m not wearing my ‘asking for it’ clothes.” Remember: you’re not allowed to wear anything for your own comfort or pleasure. Only for the bros. Why do you think Miss Havisham is constantly on the Maxim Hot 100? Lace, ladies. Lace.

Perhaps a better way to find out if a lady is truly interested is to, I don’t know, strike up a conversation with her, or at least attempt to, and see if she responds. Her drink, her clothes, her ability to talk, her bartender flirting, her dialated pupils: none of these things are guarantees that she wants you in any way. Some women may indeed be looking to hook up with a guy, but if you think her drink choice or her stockings are an open invitation to skeeze all over her, you are sorely mistaken. Her underpants won’t say “I want you,” she will. But then again, you’re probably too busy trying to kiss her and shut up to actually hear what she’s saying. Ladies! They are the worst.