Men's Health Knows What You're Looking For, Ladies

By Hortense Smith | January 16, 2010 | 10:15pm

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Oh, Men’s Health. Just when I think you can’t deliver any more ridiculous advice, you pull through with some of the creepiest dating tips you’ve offered in ages. Ahead, a look at “7 Characteristics Women Look For In A Man.”

It seems to be standard procedure for a woman to drop these dating tip turds on the pages of Men’s Health, which just adds to the ridiculousness of things. It’s essentially the reverse of those dreadful “dating tips from dudes” sections of Cosmo, wherein a guy complains that your emotions and shit are a real bummer, you know? The battle of dumb dating articles between Cosmo and Men’s Health is akin to walking up and down the Shoebox card aisle at your local Hallmark store. Women have PMS! Men like lawnmowers and beer! And nobody has enough sex with anyone else, right Maxine?!

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In any case, today’s article provides dudes with tips to appear alluring and mysterious. It’s basically a game guide for bros who think “staring into space” is a really hot way to pick up the ladies. For example:

Go Deep

The strategy: Appear thoughtful by focusing intently on something unobtrusive.

How to pull it off: Wander away from the crowd, take in the scene, then find a painting, book, view out a window, whatever-not the jukebox-and pore over the details. You’re oblivious to the commotion.

What she’ll think: You’re sensitive and smart and, if you furrow your brow, intense. Women love intense. It’s very mysterious, very sexy, very Benicio Del Toro. She’ll want to plumb the depths of your brooding mind.

What she’ll say: “What’s so fascinating?”

Is there anything on earth worse than the faux deep guy?! Ugh. Let’s rework this for actual reality:

The Strategy: Stare into space like an idiot.

How to pull it off: See above.

What she’ll think: “That guy is so fucking high right now.”

What she’ll say: “That guy is so fucking high right now.”

If staring into space doesn’t work, Men’s Health suggests that perhaps you should surround yourself with terrible, awful human beings, so as to make yourself look better by comparison. No, seriously, this is actually a thing they recommended:

Hang with Slobs

The strategy: Look appealing by surrounding yourself with your loudest, sloppiest friends-guys who emit female repellent. This can make you look, sound, and smell like Prince Charming. On this night, your goal is to attract women, not bond with the boys.

How to pull it off: Sip while they chug, talk while they scream, smile sanely when they’re laughing so hard Sam Adams is streaming out of their noses. And be the one to deal politely with the waitress and bartender.

What she’ll think: You’re not swayed by peer pressure, and you’re in control enough to be a gentleman on a boys’ night out. Plus, her maternal instincts will kick in, making her want to rescue you from those animals.

What she’ll say: “Always so well behaved?”

Oh dear. Oh no. This is NEVER going to work, bros! Never! Here’s how it would really go down:

The Strategy: Hang With Slobs

How To Pull It Off: Roundup every douchebag you know for a night on the town, and try not to question why you know so many douchebags.

What She’ll Think: “That guy hangs out with total dicks. Therefore, he must be a total dick. I bet he uses Axe body spray.”

What She’ll Say: Nothing, because she’s not talking to you or your loser friends, bro.

But don’t worry, bros. If the lady doesn’t fall for your faux-deep routine or your douchebag crew fake-out, you can always impress her by ignoring other women:

Barely Notice the Überbabe

The strategy: Remain calm when a decked-out bombshell strolls by and you’ll be sending the message that you’re too smart to be wowed by a Wonderbra and red lipstick.

How to pull it off: We don’t blame you for looking. But it makes us cringe when one male head after another swivels in her direction. What we love to see is a man who raises his eyes to see what the commotion is about, nonchalantly registers the hottie, then doesn’t seem to give her another thought.

What she’ll think: You’ve had too much experience with high-maintenance women to become excited by yet another would-be model. Or, even better, you prefer women who look as if they have more interesting things to do than primp in front of a mirror.

What she’ll say: “I hope you’re not gay.”

You guys? I’m confused by this. It seems as though this is more a tip to make sure people don’t pay attention to a “decked-out bombshell,” (as she must be horrible and dull, apparently, what with being gorgeous and all? ) and to ignore people they might be attracted to in order to seem more sincere. That’s a bit creepy, no?

While it’s not surprising that once again, Men’s Health, like it’s sister-in-crime, Cosmo is pushing ridiculous “game” tips for men to essentially lie to women to get them in bed (and vice-versa), it’s still irritating, in that the cycle of “what men want!” and “what women want!” articles only serve to ensure that the dating culture will remain filled with phonies and flakes, desperately trying to work their “tips” on one another in order to just do what they should have done in the first place: get to know someone as an actual human being. If you have to surround yourself with douchebags in order to make yourself look dateable, you’re doing it wrong.

7 Characteristics Women Look For In A Man [Men’s Health]
4 Girly Dramas He Doesn’t Understand [Cosmopolitan]