Memo To Tabloids: Sandra Bullock Trumps All

Important news circulating today in Celebrity Heartbreakville: Kim Kardashian’s on-and-off boyfriend Reggie Bush maybe hooked up with another girl. Which could be sad, but who the hell cares when Jesse James is still torturing America’s Sweetheart?

If Kardashian and Bush are actually an item right now (and from what I can glean from those reliable tabloids, their relationship status changes by the hour), the pictures released by Star today — which show a woman doing the “walk of shame” out of Bush’s house at 7am — really suck for Kim. But Star and company are making a mistake here when they dare focus on the fractured love of Kim and Reggie. Right now, nobody cares about these two. They aren’t married, they don’t live together, they clearly have an ever-wavering relationship, and Kim’s talents — remember, she originally came to fame because she was a friend of Paris Hilton who had a sex tape, a shapely ass, and was dating Bush — are, well, debatable. She certainly never made you cry just 15 minutes into a football movie.

Barring a Michael Jackson-level celebrity death, our heartstrings are still firmly in Sandra Bullock’s grip. And how could they not be? The news that Jesse James — the Most Hated Man in America — was cheating on Bullock was bad enough. But the details won’t stop spilling out: Michelle McGee’s got a swastika tattoo. James’ ex-wife says he’s a chronic cheater. Mistress No. 2, a stripper named Melissa Smith, says that she and James were grinding for some two years during James’ marriage to Bullock. One day later (that’d be today), we’re meeting Mistress Nos. 3 and 4. The third mistress, it should be noted, is a fetish model named Bridgette Daguerre, and she says that James was a “dud in bed.” Granted that’s coming from a fetish pro, but if it’s true by the standards of mere mortals, it makes me even more sad for Sandra. If you spent five years with a cheater, at least let those be five sexually pleasurable years.

Even obvious revelations seem compelling: Her friends tell People that she “needs time to grieve and process what has happened.” Really, you think? And still, I’m reading the article like it’s a Jane Austen novel, stupidly clicking through to watch a video of Sandra’s changing looks. I’m not an idiot, it’s just that my heart — which is all knotted up for this poor woman — is winning out over my head. I know this story is just one piece of gross laundry after another, and yet I cannot look away.

And does it make it better or worse that Bullock may have suspected that her husband was cheating? These are the questions that keep addled brains awake at night — and sell more magazines than you can count.

Another Jesse James Mistress Revealed! [Radar]
Inside Sandra Bullock’s Betrayal [People]
Bullock Suspected Affair Before Magazine Story [MSNBC]
Melissa Smith: Jesse James And I Had Sex For Two Years While He Was Married To Sandra Bullock [HuffPo]
Exclusive Photos: Reggie’s Other Woman! [Star]

Earlier: Jesse James Is The Most Hated Man In America
Michelle “Bombshell” McGee’s Unfortunate Swastika Tattoo Revealed