ALL THE ODDS ARE IN MY FAVOR. Image: Getty

Attention anyone who has gamely shimmied their way through an earnest rendition of “Cabaret” for an audience of mostly parents or a single teddy bear while wearing character shoes and a lot of lash: Liza Minnelli is auctioning off a bunch of her stuff in an attempt to “downsize her life.”

Page Six says that some of the items will include a variety of Halston garments, as well as “the iconic bowler hat, boots, and halter top” she wore in Cabaret. She’s also getting rid of some of her mom’s stuff—you know, her mom, Judy Garland?—in what I assume is an attempt to clean out a massive storage unit so that she might live a life of minimalism. Or, maybe she woke up one day and saw the aforementioned “iconic bowler hat,” placed at a rakish angle atop a dress form in the corner of her bedroom, sighed, and said, “Not today, Hat. Not today.” Gathering her tattered kimono around her shoulders, she found her reading glasses, tottered over to the princess phone and called the man who arranges such things. “It’s time, Marcus,” she said. “It’s time.”

What Liza actually said isn’t too far off:

“Throughout my long career I have collected wonderful possessions and memorabilia, and now I’ve reached a point in my life where I want to simplify and share with my fans who have always been there for me … I hope my fans will be thrilled to not only have a chance to own a piece of my history, but also that of my mother and father.”

I, Liza, am here for you. Though we are not the same size, I will make my way to Southern California auction house Profiles in History and throw my little auction paddle high. I will not win, but Liza, I will try.