Correlation is not causation, but Page Six is reading between the lines in this report that Donald Trump Jr.’s long-suffering wife Vanessa filed for divorce after her family received a large sum of money from her late father’s investments. Nobody’s asking why she would file a divorce, but instead how in God’s name she endured a guy who looks like he keeps getting whole gumballs stuck in his throat because nobody’s the boss of him. A man who allegedly announced he was leaving her for Aubrey O’Day seven years ago while Vanessa was pregnant. A man who told Adam Carolla, “Can you believe the hell I’m going through? I’m at the Playboy mansion with a pregnant wife!” Whatever, everybody totally gets it! Congratulations, Vanessa!
It was also revealed yesterday that he and his wan, shadowy brother just blew a minimum of $73,000 in taxpayer dollars on a wedding trip to Dubai which had no relation to government business whatsoever, according to CBS News. I hope the airplane wifi was BAD because I’m THAT spiteful.
Zayn Malik has ended America’s harrowing 24 hours after deleting all of his Instagrams by returning with a thrilling documentary:
The components make no more sense in video than they do as a list:
- a suitcase
- three(?) women or one woman in three wigs
- a beachside condo
- red velvet upholstery
- Zayne thinking; Zayne confused; Zayne horny
- large men with guns
- Zayne again, different hair color
- ALL CAPS red font promising POWER, GREED, VENGEANCE, SEDUCTION, PASSION, LOYALTY, MONEY, LOVE, and REVENGE
- commenter: “zaaayn”
He’s produced some music with this? It “begins” April 12th.
- Eh god People’s doing a “Born Kardashian” segment now. [People]
- The kingdom looks to future queen, Princess Charlotte, who will remain ahead of Royal Baby 3 in the line of succession due to new rules which say men no longer take precedence over their woman relatives. In the event that four other people die, England once again colonizes the Americas, and then she stumbles upon Royal Family garbage I left behind on the internet in the folly of my youth, let it be known that I THINK SHE’LL DO A GREAT JOB. [InStyle]
- Princess Charlotte’s mom wears sneakers, and she looks great!!! [The Sun]
- Princess Charlotte’s great-grandma plans to plant trees in order to combat climate change. That is so admirable!!! [The Sun]
- The people are betting on her mom’s due date. Rude!!! [Forbes]
- Her great-grandpa is still in the hospital five days after getting a hip replacement. May he have a speedy recovery! [Daily Mail]