Kate Winslet nearly tore a hole in the space-time continuum on Thursday with a Huge Reveal: Matthew McConaughey, not Leonardo DiCaprio, was almost Jack Dawson, the soulful midwestern artist whose sex appeal was as central to the movie Titanic as the actual Titanic. She says that Paramount wanted McConaughey, but James Cameron insisted on Leonardo DiCaprio. And thus we have an alternate reality.

He was the Dazed and Confused guy. Leonardo DiCaprio was the What’s Eating Gilbert Grape kid who grew up into such dramas as the Basketball Diaries and Romeo+Juliet. One skimmed through mid-2000s romcoms like The Wedding Planner, How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, Failure To Launch, and Ghosts of Girlfriends Past but eventually *expanded his range*. The other coasted into the warm embrace of Martin Scorsese and now can focus on wildlife issues if he likes.

Questions:

Would there still be a pussy posse? Yes. The core group of pussies had already coalesced by the mid-nineties.

Would it be possible to watch the alright alright alright guy freeze to death without laughing? Would it??

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What cover title would Nickelodeon Magazine have run with instead of “Leonardo DiGreat!”? Matthew McGreat. Matthew McMuffin? Matthew McLeonardoDiCaprio.

This could have worked:

Jack: “I grew up near Chippewa Falls. I remember when I was a kid, me and my father, we went ice fishing out on Lake Wissota. Ice fishing is, you know, where you...”

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This could not have worked:

Rose: “Draw me like one of your French girls.”

Most importantly would Kate Winslet be asked on every single promo tour whether she and Matthew McConaughey will ever ever hook up?

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Thankfully, we will never need to know.