Matt Damon has once again offered a terrible take on something in the news cycle, only this time it’s (fortunately) not about diversity, the “spectrum” of sexual misconduct, or Australia. No, this time it’s about the objectively terrible fucking tattoo of a stupid fucking mythical phoenix on his best friend Ben Affleck’s back.
“It’s not one man’s job to tell another man what he can do to his back. You know, I support him in all of his artistic expression.”
Oh, Matt. Matt, Matt, Matt. I understand that your boy Ben is currently Going Through Some Stuff, but that’s precisely why you should take him out to dinner, put your hand on his shoulder, and start practicing a little tough love. Sometimes it’s up to the best friend to say what no one else will, even if what needs to be said is, “Ben, as your oldest friend, former roommate, and co-writer of the Oscar-winning screenplay for Good Will Hunting, it’s my duty to tell you that the tattoo that covers the whole of your back is a hideous and embarrassing work of grade school sidewalk chalk art that needs to be washed away by a heavy downpour yesterday.”
To this, Ben will shake his head and shove your hand off his shoulder. “Nah man,” he’ll say. “It’s a fuckin’ metaphor for my fuckin’ life. A phoenix rises from the goddamned ashes man. And I’m gonna fuckin’ rise. It’s all I fuckin’ do.”
At this point you’ll take a dramatic sip from whatever your drinking and let out a gentle chuckle. “You’re not a phoenix,” you’ll say. “You’re a fucking Affleck. Just because you start fires doesn’t mean you grow from them. And you have no chance of growing up—the way Jennifer would want you to—if you keep embracing obvious metaphors instead of doing something to promote actual change in your life.”
Ben won’t know what to say here, so you’ll keep going. “Get it lasered off, man. Or at least cover it up with something else. How about the Argo poster?”
“Argo,” Ben will say with a smile. “That was a good fuckin’ year.”
And then you’ll return your hand to his shoulder and say, “You got plenty more of those left in you.”