Illustration for article titled Martha Stewart Loves American Cheese, and I Love Martha Stewart!!
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One VERY nice thing that the world has given us on this grim Tuesday morning is a Us Weekly Martha Stewart exclusive that is the most wonderful thing I’ve heard in some time. God bless the staffer who got Martha to go on record about her favorite “cheat food” and god BLESS US Weekly for running this exclusive almost two weeks after the information was obtained. I have no idea why that choice was made, but for me, that makes it all the better. Here’s her cheat food. Buckle up. Ready?

“My guilty pleasure – single slices of American cheese,” the New Jersey native, 78, told Us Weekly exclusively on Monday, February 17, when asked to name her favorite cheat food.

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Martha Stewart, a woman whose preferred nomenclature for her chow chow dogs skews vaguely Orientalist, loves American cheese, a cheese that is superior to other options for many reasons, most of which Martha is probably aware of and PROBABLY would’ve shared with the Us Weekly representative who asked this question if only they’d asked?

Martha surely knows that a tuna melt works best with American cheese. Martha probably also recognizes the strength and quiet power of a sliced Honeycrisp apple on a piece of toast, draped with not one, but two slices of American cheese and popped in the toaster oven until the cheese turns the texture of a melted Barbie foot. Martha Stewart will casually serve you a roasted Cornish game hen on a Tuesday evening and then, while you’re picking the little bones out of your teeth, she will steal away to the kitchen for a moment of silence, interrupted only by the quiet crinkle of the Kraft American she’s unwrapping, before ripping the slice into little squares and placing it on her tongue to dissolve, like a Communion wafer. Martha knows what’s up! [Us Weekly]

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A delicious little anonymous source has whispered their thoughts to Page Six after Pete Davidson sat down with Charlamagne tha God on Monday to talk about, hm, everything he could ever think to talk about, including but not limited to his job at SNL, which largely consists of him standing in corners, smirking, and occasionally showing up on “Weekend Update” as himself, to provide commentary on his personal life or otherwise.

This is not quite enough for Davidson, and it is certainly not enough for Page Six’s little bird, who presented the following evidence as to what Pete does, which is a lot of nothing. “The cast isn’t into him,” one source said. “He’s just there — he doesn’t add much.”

Listen, sometimes jobs are hard and sometimes they are comfortable. Occasionally, they are both. I’m not defending Pete Davidson or the anonymous SNL source or anyone really, but if I were Pete Davidson myself, this looks pretty good? If someone is still paying Davidson to do the activities I’ve just described, it seems like it might be wise to just sit there, do those things, collect the paycheck and go back to Staten Island! Just become a piece of furniture and get your bag!! [Page Six]

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Basketball dribbles on, and so does Drake’s corny ass!

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  • Jenna Dewan seems to be doing just peachy. [People]
  • Chad Johnson of Bachelorette fame was arrested for domestic violence. [Us Weekly]
  • This late-in-life career change for Marla Maples feels absolutely correct to me. [Page Six]
  • Dax Shepard sexted his wife’s mom by accident. [People]
  • The headline for this article about Reese Witherspoon learning how to dap says that it will make you smile, but I am not so sure. [E! News]
  • Lord Disick’s still at it. [Hollywood Life]
  • Two of Chip and Joanna Gaines’s children are reaching very important milestones at the same time : ) [Us Weekly]

Managing Editor, Jezebel

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DISCUSSION

I saw some interview with Rick Ross awhile ago where he said his favorite snack was a Little Debbie’s Cinnamon Bun, like the kind you’d find at gas stations or the like, topped with two Kraft Singles and then microwaved.