Today President Obama announced that the United States and Cuba will be reestablishing diplomatic relations and easing economic and travel restrictions that date back to the Cold War. The announcement comes after over a year of secret talks between the two countries that even included help from Cool Pope Francis. While this may sound like good news, there is one person who is not having any of this forward-moving progress, shit. Guess who.
Marco Rubio is losing his damn mind. The junior senator from Florida has spent the time following President Obama's announcement proving to the country that, yes, in fact, he can look like an ever bigger whiney brat than you previously thought possible.
Rubio is a Cuban American himself, and over the years had loved to tell the story of how his family fled Cuba following Fidel Castro's takeover—a story that has been soundly debunked. Fidel Castro came to power in February of 1959 and Rubio's parents first arrived in the United States in 1956. Most would agree that 1956 is, indeed, before 1959.
Some armchair pundits are suggesting that the President's move to normalize relations with Cuba may, in the long run, help Democrats in Florida and bolster Democratic support among Latino voters, neither of which Rubio is likely to be thrilled about.
Rubio has responded to the President's decision by making melodramatic remarks that in no way make him look like a reasonable person that anyone would want in charge of the nuclear codes.
Perhaps most hilariously, Rubio, a professed (and sanctimonious) Roman Catholic, is also very, very unhappy with the Pope for helping America and Cuba become friends again, saying: "I would also ask His Holiness to take up the cause of freedom and democracy," the National Review reports.
Pope Francis responded (PROBABLY): Lol I'm the Pope. I do what I do.
Rubio also said that he hoped Pope Francis only got involved in the talks to help facilitate the release of Alan Gross—an American contractor who had been held in a Cuba prison for five years. In fact, the Pope was deeply involved in the negotiations that led to today's announcement.
It seems unlikely that the the leader of the largest Christian church on Earth would get involved with a major diplomatic matter involving the most powerful country in the world solely to save one guy. But then again, I'm no junior Senator from Florida (thank God).
Of course, it's not a full political meltdown unless it involves threats to further weaken the productivity of the government. Republican Senator Lindsey Graham has joined Rubio in threatening to block funding of a US Embassy in Cuba as well as any nominations for an US ambassador to Cuba. Reports did not mention whether or not Rubio had both fingers in his ears as he stomped his feet and rolled around on the floor when he made this promise.
After all this unnecessary babbling and I'm guessing a frustrated tear or two, let's just hope that Marco Rubio is feeling just a little bit better and, most importantly, staying hydrated.
Image via Getty.