Marco Rubio Is the Borderline Normal Human Being of the GOP's Dreams

Illustration for article titled Marco Rubio Is the Borderline Normal Human Being of the GOP's Dreams

The bar has been set extraordinarily low for the one hundred lady and gentlemen vying for the Republican presidential nomination: be less crazy than the criminally insane Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. The only challenge is how to be the most reasonable, preferably likable alternative to those two leading trolls.


And this whole time, handsome Marco Rubio has been standing within earshot, waiting to say, “Who, me? An attractive, young dad who is willing to throw women and immigrants under the bus for power just as much as Cruz and Trump but not as overtly? Haha, I’m just happy to be considered.”

In the lead-up to the first presidential primaries, Rubio’s campaign has been announcing a number of major endorsements, most recently from House Oversight Committee Chairman Jason Chaffetz. Chaffetz will join his predecessor at the Oversight Committee Rep. Darrell Issa and Benghazi Committee Chairman Trey Gowdy in New Hampshire to campaign.

“Marco Rubio is a conservative leader who understands the challenges facing American families in the 21st century,” Chaffetz said in a statement. “I’m looking forward to hitting the campaign trail with Marco to talk about the future of our country and the importance of electing a next-generation conservative in 2016.”

Rubio now has the second-most endorsements of any Republican behind Jeb Bush, who we used to think would win.

His opponents have also begun attacking him for garbage. Spurred by New York Magazine, Ted Cruz’s campaign director Rick Tyler tweeted an article entitled, “A Vote for Marco Rubio Is a Vote for Men’s High-Heeled Booties,” not only betraying a total lack of awareness of Latino culture, but also demonstrating that he lacks a moral floor. Fiorina chimed in, tweeting a picture of her own booties, because she is that kid who shouts, “Me too! I did that first!” anytime her classmates do anything.

Rubio has also started attracting the attack ad (after producing his own), including this one that I actually love from Chris Christie:


It’s time for the Rubio Revolution that I have been predicting for literally half a year, and the Republicans know it.

Contact the author at


Kenny and the Llamas

He’s gotta be the one with half a chance in the General, right? And the one that won’t drag the party down on non-Presidential ballots.

Hard to believe that as recently as September I still thought it was Jeb! in a walk.