Manage Tomorrow's Hangover Today

One of life’s cruelest tricks is that drinking makes you feel invincible in the moment, but like absolute death the next day. The inevitability of this death feeling only increases with age. If you are young and fresh, with youth’s dew still caressing your downy cheeks, drinking at night may have little to no consequences on the subsequent day. For the rest of us, however, whose bodies are slowly but surely breaking down as time marches on, I have a small tip.

Consider taking care of your tomorrow needs today. Walk to the corner store and stare at the shelves. Anticipate what the first thing you might want after you open your sleep-crusted eyes the next morning: an ice-cold Coke in a can; extra-spicy instant noodles; a large bottle of limited edition holiday seltzer, kept at room temperature. A bacon, egg, and cheese on a roll doesn’t really hold up as well as you might want it to overnight, so hold off on that, and select something that will ease your transition from dead to semi-alive. The time for hot foods will come later, but you will need your energy restored somewhat to venture outside to procure said food. Your preparedness the night before will only reward you in the morning, when death’s cold fingers are pressing into your temple and you are convinced, for a brief moment, before you get out of bed to pee, that you are not hungover at all. That first moment, standing up, and feeling the world move in unpredictable ways, will be that much easier after you’ve chugged a Sprite and taken three Advil, before retreating to the sofa to burp tequila and wonder why you’re like this.

Sip that beverage. Eat a Hot Cheeto. Doesn’t it feel good to have outsmarted last night’s worst version of you?