Man With Baby Bangs Grilled by Congress on Everything Except His Baby Bangs [Updated]

Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:

• Mark Zuckerberg got nice and charred during a Congressional hearing on Wednesday. Why did no one ask him about his baby bangs though??? Update, 6:21 p.m.: California Democrat Katie Porter did mention his baby bangs: “As the mother of a teenage boy,” she said, “I just want to say thanks for modeling the short cut.” [Politico/CNN/Vice/Mashable]
• Here’s just a taste:

• Ed Stack, the CEO of Dick’s Sporting Goods, is apparently mulling a run for president as a third-party candidate. Why not!!! [Politico]
• Republican idiots in Congress, led naturally by Matt Gaetz, protested the impeachment inquiry by barging into a secure facility—or SCIF, where the latest witness in the inquiry was scheduled to testify—and refusing to leave for five hours. [Washington Post]

• Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, two of Rudy Giuliani’s many crime friends, pled not guilty to charges that they funneled foreign donation to a pro-Trump super PAC. [New York Post]
• Pete Buttigieg continues to be a big weenie. [New York Times]
• Oh?

• Biden has widened his lead according to this poll, and I would like to die now, please. [CNN]
• But this was nice as well as life-affirming.

• Please read this important investigation on the U.S. Marshals. [Mother Jones]

Here are some tweets the president was allowed to publish:

This has been Barf Bag.