Male President Battles for Dominance 

The Bad Man: a relatively common species, though his attributes vary widely. His face ranges in color from apricot to a burnished sort of pink. He weighs anywhere from .075 to .15 tons, and can go days without a vegetable. Particularly in the summer season, some Bad Men are so drawn towards conflict that they will initiate battle even with Bad Men who spend their days continuously urinating in a gentle circle to signal fealty. Though this loyal Bad Man—also classified as a “Toady” or a “Deranged Evangelical”—is docile, he may not remain so, and the possibility of his ascendance cannot be tolerated.

Politico has the latest report from their native habitat:

President Donald Trump wasn’t planning to attend the recent National Rifle Association convention — that is, until he learned that Vice President Mike Pence would be giving the keynote address.

That led to a change of plans in the West Wing, according to two people familiar with the arrangement, and nearly a week after the NRA announced Pence would speak, the president was added to the schedule to speak moments after Pence.

It wasn’t the first time Trump has changed his plans to one-up the veep. It was originally Pence, not Trump, who planned to travel to the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland. But upon seeing who else would be attending, Trump decided to make the trip himself instead, bumping Pence off the schedule, according to a person familiar with the matter. A White House official said that neither scheduling decision was based on the vice president’s plans.

The Toady, sensing a threat from the dominant Bad Man, will take dramatic steps to preserve his position in the herd—such as, for example, publicly distancing himself from his own doctor after she voiced concerns about then-Department of Veterans Affairs nominee Ronny Jackson.

For now, the Bad Men may have reached an uneasy truce. The Toady continues to urinate, though his exclusive invitation to John McCain’s funeral hovers dangerously on the horizon. In the animal kingdom, death, or social media humiliation, is always just around the corner.