Magic Mike XXL, Through the Eyes of a Terrified Magic Mike Virgin
LatestMagic Mike XXL is poised to be the film of a generation—or at least the 2015 July 4th weekend. Channing Tatum and friends got their thongs dry cleaned and their abs greased up for a second time and we, Jane and Kara, were generous enough to take time out of our day to watch them work.
One of us is a Magic Mike virgin. Jane, for personal reasons, didn’t feel that she would quite be able to, um, handle the first film so she’s going in blind. Kara was front row and center opening weekend to witness the pelvic thrust that started it all back in 2012.
This is our story.
Kara Brown: So, how are you feeling?
Jane Marie: Nervous. Very nervous. I would never subject myself to a two-hour porno so why would I watch this?
KB: Do you have any idea about the plot or the background of the first movie?
JM: Nope. All I know is that there are male strippers. Plus, I’ve never been to a male strip club, I’ve been to plenty of female strip clubs, and I like girls alright, but there’s just something about the pelvic thrusting from a dude that I cannot handle [laughs] and I don’t want to embarrass myself. My hands are super wet, feel my hands how clammy they are.
KB: Her hands are sweaty! Confirmed that Jane’s hands are sweaty.
JM: And my armpits are sweating. I probably smell so bad. I’m really nervous.
KB: Also, we’re in a really sexy theater.
JM: Yeah, where they serve you martinis. I got a martini here once that had blue cheese IN it. Not inside the olives, no no no, just in the cup. It was so gross. You should order that one for sure.
We totally order that martini and it was as gross as Jane remembered.
KB: Okay, so we’re seeing this movie at 3:30 on a Wednesday at a grown and sexy movie theater…
As it turns out, “grown and sexy” was a running theme throughout the film so we were perfectly on-brand.
JM: Where you can lie down and they have recliners and blankets and pillows. Wait, when you ask me if I know what the plot is, who cares! There’s a plot?
KB: The first movie had a nice plot, I have to say. It was more engaging than you thought it would be. I thought it would just be two hours of Channing thrusting in my face, but there was a little more. These are strippers with souls.
JM: Now I’m in real trouble.
KB: Yeah, these are strippers with feelings. I don’t know what studio made this movie, but this is a good time for me to pitch Magic Mike XXXL.
JM: Ooh, and have it all be black guys!
KB: Yes. Starring Drake as a really caring stripper who will listen to your problems, because I feel like Drake is just a really good listener.
JM: He definitely is.
KB: Donald Glover is in this one.
Donald Glover immediately cooled down every scene he appeared in.
JM: No! No. That’s going to kill my vibe. My challenge is gonna be… so have you ever heard of edging? You can look it up on porno websites, but it’s this thing where you almost cum for a really long time and it’s not what I would like to do at all, but my anticipatory anxiety is that this movie will be like edging for two hours. Sitting there and almost, almost!… but then being in public.
KB: Are you gonna be disappointed if you’re not turned on?
JM: Yes. Yes! Because that will mean there is something wrong with me. I’ve seen Channing Tatum with his shirt on.
KB: Maybe you need to make a connection with someone before you can feel some excitement?
JM: No. No, that’s not my problem. I’m already the horniest person I’ve ever met.
KB: Well, is there anything I can do to make this experience better?
JM: Look away. You can look away! Avert your eyes. Put the blanket over your head.
KB: This theater really sets the mood — I feel like we’re in a boudoir.
JM: Yeah, it’s really red in here and there’s dim lighting.
KB: Would you take a date to Magic Mike?
JM: Fuck no! I don’t want to see this movie! I don’t think you understand, I am not comfortable watching this movie, I don’t want to see this movie. I don’t need to see it; I can watch porn. It’s two hours long!
KB: To me it’s more like a strip club. When you go to strip clubs, generally you’re not going to get a lot out of it.
JM: Speak for yourself, Kara.
KB: But it’s just an experience. You know you’re not necessarily gonna have sex with a stripper.
JM: I am incapable of drawing a line between me and Channing Tatum. Like, if Channing Tatum is pelvic thrusting in my face with his shirt off, I’m pretty sure we’re gonna hook up. Even if it’s on a movie.
KB: Even if he’s not in the room.
JM: Yeah, the signals just get through and I feel like he’s talking to me, he’s into it.
As one might predict, the screening was full of women. Most of the ladies were paired up except for this lovely group of 10 male entertainment enthusiasts. These rambunctious ladies were celebrating a birthday and we are wholly convinced that there is no group of women on the planet who will ever enjoy Magic Mike XXL more than this crew.
Because we are in a very grown and very, very sexy theater, there are men waiting on us.
Kara, to the waiter: Do you like these nights?
Waiter: Oh yeah, women are easy in these movies to take care of.
JM: What is that supposed to mean!?
Waiter: Just keep the drinks filled and you’re good.
KB: Does this movie make you want to be a male stripper?
Waiter: No, it makes me thank god I’m not one any more.
JM: Shut up!!!!
Waiter: It’s like, you know what? I lived that life, it’s fine. Eventually you just gotta hang it up.
JM: I can’t deal with this. Go get our drinks! Go get our drinks.
These are our drinks minus two additional glasses of wine that were ordered out of absolute necessity.
We need to talk about the noises that occurred during the screening of this cinematic masterpiece/disaster. One of the best things about this experience was the absolute freedom that was clearly felt by all the women in attendance. This film was for us and we will most definitely enjoy ourselves, thanks. There were, of course, plenty of shrieks and squeals but it felt like we were all in this together. Sort of like a kinship? A sisterhood.
We all muttered, “Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod” together. We all pulled the blankets over our eyes at the same time. When we saw Channing Tatum’s ass, we all thought, “I’d tap that ass,” and some of us even yelled that out loud in the theater!
Then, there was Jane, who looked like this for about 30% of the movie.
Two woman literally fell out of their chairs. (Jane Marie may or may not have been one of those women.) Ok, Jane didn’t exactly fall out of her chair, but she got very close. At one point, 80% of her body was on the floor and she may or may not have uttered the words: “Kara, don’t look at me!”
As the credits rolled, our group of friends from earlier yelled: “Let’s go to Vegas!” See you there, ladies. See you there.
KB: So, how did you enjoy yourself?
JM: I honestly feel sad? It made me so sad. First of all, it was an emotional and physical roller coaster, that movie, because the good parts are sooo good. The pelvic thrusting is… top-notch, solid gold pelvic thrusting. And the lifts! There were a lot of lifts.
KB: Okay, the first film, I don’t remember any lifts! And the lifts made Magic Mike XXL.
JM: Definitely! Those guys can pick a bitch up.
KB: Dear god, the lifts. Throwing bitches around like it was nothing! Over their heads, around and around their shoulders, through the legs. Like, damn, I didn’t know we could spin like that.
JM: It was like bags of rice.
KB: Like hacky sacks.
JM: And it made me sad that I’m not a hacky sack! So the good parts were so good and then the bad parts were so bad that I felt manipulated the entire time. I was brought almost to the edge and then they would show fucking Donald Glover.
KB: Yeah, fuck Donald Glover. However, I will say Channing Tatum has solidified his role as King of the White Boos because let me tell you, White Chocolate, as his character was known…
JM: White Chocolate can get it! Thank the lord for Channing Tatum. He could’ve easily never been discovered and we would not have these feelings right now.
KB: He could still be a stripper in Tampa! We would’ve had to stumble upon a strip club in Tampa to enjoy that magnificence.
JM: I kept thinking the whole time,“We’re so lucky. We’re so lucky.”
KB: Can I also say I think they deliberately chose a dud as the love interest so as to not detract from the guys? Because Johnny Depp’s wife was so boring.
JM: Real boring. And also super grumpy?
KB: Yeah! She was not into him! I don’t believe Channing Tatum is hitting on you and you’re just eating cake.
JM: Yeah, like, “Ugh, get out of my face.”
KB: Jada Pinkett was great though.
JM: And Michael Strahan. He jumped over that massage table…
KB: …with a running start…
JM: Once he got over the table and that guy Stephen “Twitch” Boss came on, I rolled over and almost started humping the arm of the recliner.
KB: You almost fell out of the chair.
JM: It’s just such a comfortable environment to watch a movie in! Because you have pillows and a La-Z-Boy and you could just hump everything.
KB: Physically and emotionally comfortable because all the ladies in our screening were feeling it. Those ladies did not hold back!
JM: They were talking about pegging Channing.
KB: “I wanna tap that ass,” was a direct quote.
JM: A lot of affirmative shouting.
KB: A lot of encouragement for the boys up on the screen, and everyone was free to freak out.
JM: Here’s the thing I didn’t like about it: it would be like if you were fucking a guy for a few hours but every time it started to get really, really good, he had to take a call. Every time I was ready to see a dick, it wouldn’t happen. Wait, is this gross the way we’re talking about these guys?
KB: A little bit. A little bit. But how often do they talk about women like this? This is our turn. It’s our time! Magic Mike XXL is our time!
JM: I wanna fuck Channing Tatum.
KB: Yeah.
JM: I’m gonna go home and cry about it.
KB: I don’t know how to help you feel better about that. I want the first dance to “Pony” on repeat.
JM: Yes. So Channing Tatum’s character is a furniture maker, and in the beginning he says, “We’re gonna cut it and then we’re gonna sand it.” That’s the line that lets you know he makes furniture. And then he welds an iron phallus of sorts to “Pony.”
KB: Swinging around poles, climbing on woodwork tables, all to “Pony.” By the way, “Pony” should be our new national anthem. I’m sure it could only happen with Barry in office so we should move it through congress pretty quickly and I’m going to be the first person to propose that change.
JM: Seconded.
KB: Congratulations, America, we did it! Happy Fourth of July!
JM: I have to go home and jerk off.KB: I’m just gonna go home and be in my thoughts.
JM: What are your thoughts? You’re gonna go home and think right now? You weirdo.
KB: I’m gonna go unpack how I feel about it.
JM: I’m not. I know exactly how I feel about it; no unpacking necessary, unless you consider me taking my jeans off “unpacking.”
KB: This is a tip for the dudes of America this weekend: If you just post up outside of a screening of Magic Mike , look decent, you don’t even have to put in that much effort, just take a shower and stand outside and look available, I guarantee — guarantee! — that will work for you.
JM: I’m depressed. Now I’m just depressed. I expended all of my dopamine in that theater.
KB: Yeah, it’s like coming down from a high, I don’t know where to go from here. Do I try to watch it again? Do I try to find strippers? What do I do? Maybe I’ll goto the gym and work out all this energy.
JM: Nerd. Well, thank you for introducing me to Magic Mike, one of the worst best movies I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Let’s go home. Hopefully there are some guys at the top of the escalator.
KB: What would you do if Channing was standing there?
JM: Suck his dick, immediately. I would drop to my knees and gag on it.
KB: So, let’s hope, fingers crossed.
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