Image: Getty

I’ve not read the New York Times profile of Madonna, but I did read my colleague Hazel Cills’s recap of it, and I’d very much like to pee in Madonna’s bathroom, which is generally the gold standard by which the journalism world measures a profile’s success.

Madonna, however, was not a fan, according to her Instagram, and had some problems with the way “intellectual feminist” Vanessa Grigoriadis presented her in the piece:

“The journalist who wrote this article spent days and hours and months with me and was invited into a world which many people dont get to see, but chose to focus on trivial and superficial matters such as the ethnicity of my stand in or the fabric of my curtains and never ending comments about my age which would never have been mentioned had I been a MAN!”

I understand that the curtains are velvet, which is notable. But Madonna’s age does seem to get bandied about a lot. I know she’s 60 because it seems to come up every single time she’s mentioned, much more frequently than other celebrities, even other women celebrities. Unfortunately, Madonna did not stop at the good point, but instead went on, as is her wont:

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“Im sorry i spent 5 minutes with her. It makes me feel raped. And yes I’m allowed to use that analogy having been raped at the age of 19. Further proof that the venerable N.Y.T. Is one of the founding fathers of the Patriarchy. And I say—-DEATH TO THE PATRIARCHY woven deep into the fabric of Society. I will never stop fighting to eradicate it.”

Madonna also said she “felt raped” when her Rebel Heart album leaked early, suggesting that Madonna could possibly use a thesaurus for those “dark-walled rooms with full bookcases” in order to find more apt synonyms for disappointed.

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The woman who dared put her body closer to Beyoncé’s than the internet would like had to delete her Instagram because of the resultant death threats. Nicole Curran, wife of Warriors owner Joe Lacob, says she was just offering the pair a drink and “had no idea anything was even amiss” until the entire world lost its collective shit. It is not news that a close talker did not realize no one likes close talking, nor is it at all surprising that Instagram stans consider death a befitting consequence of momentarily displeasing Beyoncé.

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  • Hugh Grant believes he is “too old and ugly and fat,” to make rom-coms, which is great because he’s currently doing the best work of his career. [New York Post]
  • Alec Baldwin only beats up paparazzi because they’re asking for it, according to Alec Baldwin. [People]
  • Jada Pinkett-Smith has a pretty great attitude about Willow’s future love life: “Listen, she’s 18, who the heck knows what’s going to go down.” [E! Online]
  • Kris Jenner has decided that it’s Kourtney’s turn to take one for the ratings, meaning weeks of Scott Disick dirt could be forthcoming. Sorry in advance. [Hollywood Life]