Yeah, Madonna’s bandwagoning with every singer/songwriter/actress/Kardashian to launch a beauty product line, but I can get with this commercial which neither terrifies me nor reminds me of my hideousness only fixable by slathering my face with product named after a sexy tropical fruit which will make me a bad bitch. No, instead she’s anointed the Fat Jew to promote MDNA, a product which I think you mist. They drink, she burps, she’s all like, “shit,” she’s just like me, and together they’ll make questionable decisions which they’ll forget by squirting rosé in their mouths. They make a beautiful pairing, and I’ll watch the reality TV show when that’s invented.

Here, for the great American bootstrapping celebrity hopeful, is an alternative to putting out a sex tape: 1) prep hair and makeup, 2) commit a crime, 3) send mugshot to TMZ. #this.

A man whom TMZ reports was arrested “on a meth charge” shares the same age, height, and jawline as Ryan Seacrest. Have we found the next potential #hotfelon?

Yes. Definitively yes.

Gigi Hadid stitched a rip in her pants in the car on her way to the Milan Fendi show. This is astonishing news because it means that Gigi Hadid either had matching pink thread and a needle on-hand or an aide drove on a furious race to double-park in front of some Italian embroidery shop, purchase, and deliver these items in probably a window-to-window highway hand-off time for Gigi Hadid to do this thing and post it to Instagram. Amazing.

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Information you now know, will certainly forget by the end of today, but will accompany you in your subconscious throughout the rest of your God-given life: Page Six reports that Kim Kardashian was told during her first pregnancy that she was carrying a dead baby in her womb and did so for days til her follow-up to remove the baby, when doctors found a heartbeat after all. AH.

  • Scott Disick says on television that Kourtney only loves him when he’s a jerk to her. Maybe so. [Page Six]
  • Noteworthy disparity in headlines: “Stars who think bras are tops” by Fox News is retweeted by TMZ as “Alessandra Ambrosio Stuns In Tiny Sparkle Bra Top For Sexy Red Carpet Look,” is renamed by me as “photos of people liberated from shirts.” [TMZ]
  • BeyoncĂ© has updated her wedding ring tattoo “IV,” matching with Jay-Z, signifying their birthdates and wedding (4/4, April 4th), People reports. It now looks more like a sideways “J.” [People]
  • Accompanying a photo of a very serious-looking Jerry Lewis is the news that he left nothing to his five sons from his first marriage. It all reportedly goes to his second wife SanDee and their daughter Danielle. [Page Six]