Michael B. Jordan, 31, is an anime-loving actor who plays the scrumptious villain, Erik Killmonger, in the No. 1 movie in the country, Black Panther. By all accounts, he is divinely constructed. The symmetry of his face alone sends shivers up horny vertebrae. His hotness has become tangential to the fact that we first met him as a scrawny boy named Wallace on The Wire.
Lupita Nyong’o, 34, is an actress and Oscar winner who also stars in Black Panther, as a renegade spy. She is gifted and phenomenal. Poetic in every way. These two Earth gods should unify immediately on a mountain in Wakanda and live together in blessed matrimony.
Are they just friends or does a glimmer of romance hover beneath, waiting to be explored? There is visual evidence of the latter. Note, for one, Nyong’o’s hand placement in the photo above. Note, as well, every other living image of them together.
Jordan allegedly has a girlfriend. That complicates the matter. Deepest apologies to her for this impolite commendation. However, fate does not bother with logistics.
While promoting Black Panther, Jordan and Nyong’o have engaged in the millennial art of flirting via social media.
As part of a standing bet, Jordan must perform push-ups on command, upon Nyong’o’s instruction. This has led to a number of intimate moments.
Watch the videos. Watch them. Am I lying? Is everyone?
“Bring them chocolate cakes back. You ready for round 2?” Jordan tweeted one day (and then deleted), along with the hashtag #youknowyouwantthis. Nyong’o responded: “No dessert until you come correct.” The messages, Jordan later claimed, were part of a joke for MTV’s Punk’d-esque show Safeword. Ah. Yes. Sure. A joke.
No, not a joke, Bae Jordan. This is enchantment. Nothing can stop this vibranium-fueled love engine. The universe has drawn these two as one. Together, they could paint the world black and rule the world. Or just watch anime together on a comfortable couch. He would treat her like a royal and iron all her fashionable clothing for her (he likes to iron). Puffs of steam would emit (from the iron). “Is it getting...steamy in here?” he would say, flashing a grin and slaying her with his dimples.
And so it is decreed, by me, that these two uncommonly attractive people should, once and for all, get married.