Looks Like Coronavirus Is Going to Kill Beards

A graphic released by the CDC on Wednesday, which is circulating far and wide on Twitter, offers some facial hair suggestions for men looking to protect themselves from an imminent global pandemic. For those men who have attached themselves to their beards as a means of either projecting masculinity or hiding a weak chin, I have some bad news for you.

A brief perusal of this thorough chart indicates that beards are not the best grooming choice for the respirator masks we will all be forced to wear sooner rather than later. Instead of a beard, the CDC suggests a wide variety of mustaches, including but not limited to a Hitler ‘stache—referred to here as the “toothbrush.” Setting aside the fact that no one should bring back that particular grooming choice, I would like to instead address the wide swath of mustache options presented by the CDC in an attempt to encourage men of this world to ditch their beards and embrace a different approach. Draw some facial hair on your respirator mask if you must, but if you don’t want to do that, consider the mustache, men.

Mustaches have a bad reputation for reasons that I have never been able to figure out, but a quick self-reflection has led me to believe that the reason I love a mustache is because they are pervy in a way that is honestly, delightful. Not to be terrifically crass, but a beard acts a little bit like a sponge. A mustache is a smaller sponge. Both absorb moisture, but one absorbs less. A damp ‘stache is porn-y in a ‘70s way, much like a damp beard can be. But sometimes beards have other stuff in them, like bits of lunch and occasionally enough yeast to brew beer. A mustache speaks to a quiet sort of confidence and a willingness to look ridiculous in your everyday life. Mustachioed men can wiggle an eyebrow, wink, and make a lame joke about mustache rides, but if the mood is right and the light’s hitting that ‘stache good—well, think it through.