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Long Live Supreme Ruler Ex-Ash A-12, Emperor God of the Milky Way

Illustration for article titled Long Live Supreme Ruler Ex-Ash A-12, Emperor God of the Milky Way
Image: Getty

In a filing cabinet of the County of Los Angeles’ Department of Public Health, there is a birth certificate. On that scrap of paper is a curse in the ancient tongue, one which heralds the arrival of Earth’s new ruler. In prophecies, they will end this world in fire, leading humanity on an exodus to distant planets, whose techno-priests and robot armies will spread the tendrils of empire across the Milky Way. Their name is X AE A-XII, Child of Boucher, Child of Musk.

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TMZ reports that rich nerd Elon Musk and ClaireGrimesBoucher have finalized the name of their offspring: X AE A-XII, or, Ex-Ash A-Twelve. Sure, they had to jump through approximately one million hoops to land on such a creative name—something about SkyNet, imperialism, and spy bombers—but they’re here now! Let’s celebrate that. With the pomp-and-circumstance of this extended naming ritual now complete, this child can hopefully fade back into relative obscurity.

Wishing that lil’ Ex-Ash can experience a “normal” childhood seems a bit much to ask for. At the very least, I hope that whatever robot toddlers Musk replaces actual human contact with treat Ex-Ash with decency and respect. As it is, Ex-Ash will be the very first human baby to fly a spaceship, or occupy Mars. Who has time for preschool when the whole solar system is just waiting to be conquered? [TMZ]

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Lance Bass seems to think Jax Taylor is definitely getting fired from Vanderpump Rules. Bye, bitch! Page Six reports that Bass informed his cohosts on “Daily Popcast” that he and drink mixer brand Just Add X “can’t be involved and associated” with Taylor amid allegations of racism and homophobia. “We have to do the right thing.”

What’s interesting, however, is that Bass previously chose to insert himself into that aforementioned debacle on Vanderpump Rules this past season, when Taylor and soon-wife Brittany Cartwright’s pastor was outed as a bigot. Amid widespread criticism of the couple, Bass stepped in as their new wedding officiant, smoothing over the “accusations” of homophobia. Perhaps Bass learned, between then and now, that using this new round of criticism as a vehicle for self-promotion just isn’t a good look. [Page Six]


Looks like Lady A and Lady Antebellum had a Zoom call.

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Britney Spears makes the exact same selfie-face as the “Don’t be shy” girl on TikTok.

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  • Everyone is extremely concerned about whether or not Kourtney Kardashian is wearing Scott Disick’s shirt. [Just Jared]
  • Brian Austin Green enjoyed “lunch” with Courtney Stodden. [People]
  • Sunny Hostin addressed a report claiming a top ABC executive used “racist comments” about her, Robin Roberts, Kendis Gibson, and Mara Schiavocampo, among others. [NY Post]

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DISCUSSION

I dislike Elon Musk for all the same reasons everyone else does, but it finally occurred to me why I seem to have a horrible physical reaction every time I see a picture of him.

He looks like my ridiculous libertarian, fuck wit, eats tinned herring in the break room, tells the same story over and over again, pun loving, my life is so much more difficult than yours and I’m so much better than you, unibomber tendency coworker. This dude thinks he is as powerful and ‘important’ as Elon Musk and can’t bother to grocery shop more than once a month for his toddler food and tinned herring because ‘he’s too busy’ but is just useless.

It all fits together now.