Local Cat Annoying As Fuck

Image via me
Image via me

Having allowed this small feline to live in my home gratis for approximately three and a half years and countless dollars (including a rather expensive facial surgery), the appreciation I have lately received is nothing less than a constant stream of baying and mewls sunup to sundown, with the added bonus of having to clean its crap from a litter box. (That and it’s reading the screenplay to La La Land! Is there no dignity?)


Cats retain the capacity and right to be demanding as vehemently as any domestic animal, but feline lovers North of the Equator may have noticed their cats are even more fucking annoying than usual. Has this been happening to you? Can you relate? Well, dear beleaguered friend, I’m here to tell you why.

Domestic cats are flawed animals in that their instincts tell them they need to eat more in the winter, even when they are furry little dirtbags that force you to hand-feed them from a crystal dish like in ‘80s kibble commercials. This is why your cat is so g.d. whiny at the moment, and why you are being eaten out of house and home by this little shithead! This has nothing to do with needing to store extra fat, obviously, since your cat lives next to your radiator and barely moves; it has everything to do with the sun going down as a biological signal for lower temperatures. It’s a little flick in the brain due to evolution and, guess what, it’s driving us all up a wall! But don’t fret; this whining should end sometime around February, when the days are demonstrably longer.

Happy catting!!!!

Two animals waiting for me to die so they can feast on my flesh until Spring’s first thaw. Image via me.
Two animals waiting for me to die so they can feast on my flesh until Spring’s first thaw. Image via me.



Things my three cats have pulled this year:


Required $500, fully drugged shaving because he was too matted and too much of a prick for normal grooming.

Developed pancreatitis. Cost: four figures, many cans of wasted prescription food because all he wanted was Fancy Feast, his teeth in my arm.

A few weeks after the pancreatitis episode, he acted like he was dying again. Some sort of intestinal blockage? I fed him hairball gel and prepared for the worst. Asked SO if he wanted to be there for any possible euthanasia. Turned around to see Ira looking perfectly fine, glowering in triumph.

Now he’s matted again and still hates me.


Shit in bag of litter because the actual litterbox wasn’t up to his standards.

Attempted to shit in bag of chicken scratch.

Feigned limp for a couple days- perhaps thought he was missing out at the vet’s?

Is also skinny and has legs like a ballerina.


Came to me with scorching case of eye herpes that required months of treatment to defeat.

Hid in bureau drawer, inciting general panic and dismantling of room.

Is slowly eating cover off a chair. Has also eaten:

-tines off a plastic fork (she regretted that one)

-tampon wrappers


Has breath like the bowels of hell.

I still love them more than 99.9999999% of the people I know.