Lindsey Graham Would Die for Chick-fil-A

While Lindsey Graham’s loyalties to people like Strom Thurmond, John McCain, and Donald Trump have historically waffled like a delicious Chick-fil-A potato deep-fried in roiling bigotry, Lindsey Graham’s devotion to Chick-fil-A as a shining beacon of American bigotry remains an immovable feast. And that, my friends, is why Linds is willing to go to war for not only Chick-fil-A’s right to sell fried chicken and hate gay people, but also against Americans’ right to say that they do not want to eat fried chicken sold by a company that hates gay people.

This newfound zeal comes in response to a bunch of Notre Dame students who object to a Chick-fil-A on campus over the fact that the chain’s founder, Dan Cathy, is an outspoken anti-LGBTQ bigot who funds “hate groups” like like the National Christian Charitable Foundation, a move that is admittedly odd coming from a group of students who go to a Catholic college seeing as the Catholic church is also a big “no” on gay marriage. But Lindsey Graham, a person whose authority lies in his South Carolina senatorship and thus has literally no horse in the battle over which fried chicken college students in Indiana eat, says this means war!

“I want everyone in South Carolina and across America to know I have Chick fil-A’s back,” Graham tweeted. “I hope we don’t have to, but I will go to war for the principles Chick fil-A stands for.” It is unclear who, exactly, Graham is looking to take up arms against to defend the “Great food” and “Great values,” (including one, assumes, bigotry) of a giant corporation presumably big enough to fight its own battles. Will he command a tank and seize the campus bookstore, burning sweatshirts in effigy? Will he take this one step further and march a squadron of chicken patriots right into the Vatican and demand all Catholic universities worldwide include debates around honey mustard versus Chick-fil-A sauce in their divinity classes? Will he simply fight by tweeting dumpster-possum trash opinions into the ether with his nugget-greasy little paws? I suppose the students and the university will just have to anxiously hunker down until he decides.

Although a final scenario is likely possible: A recent survey just revealed that Chick-fil-A is winning in the polls, taking its place as the most popular fast-food chain in America. If the past is any indicator, should those numbers fall, Lindsey will start polishing his pistol in anticipation of opening fire on behalf of Shake Shack.