Lindsay's Inferno Pants Have Been Filled By Malin Ackerman

Malin Ackerman, who sort of looks familiar, kind of, a little, will replace Lohan in the Linda Lovelace biopic. I’m sure Dina is looking for someone to sue as we speak.

Although, since I’ve never heard of Malin Ackerman until this very second, I suspect that Malin Ackerman is actually Lindsay Lohan in a wig and a bad British accent elaborately trying to reunite her parents. [Deadline]
After much back and forth yesterday, the director of the film clarified that Lindsay Lohan didn’t quit Inferno. She was fired. Lindsay lying has become so commonplace by now that she’s all but cemented her place in the celebrity pantheon as a reliable source of falsehood. In 10 years, I predict that Demi Lovato will be similarly fired from the movie about how Lindsay was fired from making a movie about Linda Lovelace in the ultimate lasagna-of-personal-tragedy-as-film. [LA Times]
Miley Cyrus was reportedly seen at an LA-area shooting range learning how to fire guns for an upcoming project, a Very Special Episode of Hannah Montana wherein Miley goes on a musical romp through the world of the Latin Kings; either that or Miley Learns An Important Lesson About Not Playing with Guns. [TMZ]
Arnold Schwarzenegger might possibly return to acting, and by “acting,” he probably means running away from explosions and mispronouncing things for comedic effect. [Contact Music]
Demi Moore went out by herself, which is exactly what you did yesterday, only it’s not news in your case because you’re not a big star like Demi Moore; you’re just a sweatpants wearing laundry procrastinator. [Showbiz Spy]
Daniel Day-Lewis is going to play Abraham Lincoln in a movie to be directed by Steven Spielberg. Unfortunately, it’s a movie about Lincoln’s life and not a film about the adventures of live-action Abe Lincoln and animated Snidley Whiplash in the grand tradition of Paula Abdul’s music video for Opposites Attract. Again my screenplay for Time Traveling Wonder Beard Meets The Mustache of Disarray is shelved. No justice. [The Star]
Goldfrapp is going to release a “best of” album which is going to contain everything that Goldfrapp has ever done because Goldfrapp is fucking awesome [ONTD]
Tony Parker hopes his divorce from Eva Longoria Parker will be amicable, as opposed to most people who hope that their divorces are heart-wrenching ordeals that span years. Mark my words, if I ever get married and then divorced, it is going to the best divorce EVER! Get pumped up! We will not be skimping on the drama! [Showbiz Spy]
Jennifer Aniston appeared in public wearinga black coat! And brown boots! Oh, pray tell, what rivetingly boring thing will she do next? Will she talk about how she likes Christmas? Wear a scarf? Tell an interviewer that love is good and fun? Call me when she and Ke$ha switch wardrobes and shit gets interesting. [Just Jared]
Tiger Woods says that golf made him addicted to sex. Ooh, this is fun. I love blaming my assholery on unrelated events in my life. Notre Dame football turned me into an alcoholic and the downturn in quality in episodes of Glee is making me consider crystal meth. Reading stories about Tiger Woods blaming his sex addiction on things besides himself and celebrity-worship culture is making me addicted to the idea of building a cabin in the woods and never ever reading the internet again. Won’t someone save me from all of the things that are not a direct consequence of my hobbies? [Showbiz Spy]
Anne Hathaway wants to take a break from romantic comedies and fly spaceships instead. Well, Anne, I want to quit working for a corporation and start a big farm in the country for homeless dogs. You can visit if you want. On your spaceship. [Showbiz Spy]
Mel Gibson almost calls the police on Oksana. Two obviously horrible people continue to do horrible things to each other and receive attention for it. The American dream has been realized by an Australian and a Russian. [ONTD]
Terri Hatcher is to quit Desperate Housewives after next season, the show’s seventh. The fact that Desperate Housewives has been on for seven years while Arrested Development limped through three seasons makes me feel upset about America. [Daily Mail]
Kristen Stewart fucking hates doing interviews. [Showbiz Spy]
Wesley Snipes is reportedly “staying strong” as he faces three years in jail for tax evasion, which seems a little unfair, considering the fact that Lindsay Lohan still roams the streets and I never had to suffer any consequences for some of the crap I pulled in the year 2008. [Contact Music]
Speaking of adventures in powder, the mysterious white powder sent to Dancing With The Stars turned out to be talcum powder. Thank goodness it wasn’t cocaine, because that show is fucking annoying enough as it is. [Bossip]
JWoww, my spirit animal, is reportedly considering moving to Los Angeles. [TMZ]
Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are totally boring and you might be secretly jealous of their adorable lovenest. [ONTD]
Kate Winslet and her superhot boyfriend have split up. I’d like to send Kate my well-wishes and a big virtual high five for that one, because have you seen the guy? His level of attractiveness is impressive.
Today in Hollywood Is Officially Phoning It In news: people are a-twitter about a potential remake of Charlie’s Angels. Which Charlie’s Angels are they remaking? The original show from the 1970’s or the two movies that were remakes of that show that happened less than ten years ago? This makes me want to remake my breakfast. [Digital Spy]