Recently, we learned via study something we all suspected was true on some level: that the “average woman” waits a good four weeks before allowing a man she fancies to gaze upon her bare, makeup-free face for fear of scarring him with the knowledge that human eyes don’t come rimmed in kohl at birth. But this is only the tip of the relationship reveal iceberg that is the delicate dance of slowly unfolding truths which culminate in Actually Knowing Someone.
So how long until you can fart, poop onsite, or admit that you like Vienna sausages to someone you actually want to be with? Let’s figure this out. We need your help, though. Because in the lore of advice about how soon to come correct with the biological, emotional or biographical details of your actual existence, versus how long to continue an elaborate routine of smoke and mirrors about your thoughts, feelings, smells, and bodily functions until you can let your guard down — well, let’s just say there’s a lot of mixed messages out there. Or as my friend puts it, “I’d rather vomit blood than fart in front of someone.”
Let’s take it by DEFCON. We welcome your disagreements in the comments. (And yes, this is tongue-in-cheek. Always be yourself. Relentlessly.)
Level 5: Stepford Lady.
You’re a specimen of human perfection. Makeup is perfect, hair is clean, body is meticulously groomed, and all serious bodily functions will be happening elsewhere and never even so much as referenced. Also known as The First Part, there are few surprises in terms of biology that can safely materialize during this critical time when both parties must act as if they don’t need to piss, shit, fart, or blow their noses. All parties will, if they know what’s good for them, demonstrate the ability to chew food correctly and with good pacing, won’t drink too much and will be able to at least appear polished and put together for entire hours-long stretches, such as dinner and a movie.
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