Let's Make Fun of Republicans' Houses

As anyone prone to reading interior design blogs knows, the home environment is a direct reflection on the quality and worthiness of its occupants’ eternal souls and the determinate of whether or not they deserve love. Thus, it makes sense that we not only roundly critique the living quarters of our potential GOP Presidential nominees, we also make suggestions for how to make their homes more fitting for their public image.

The New York Times, ever striving to be everything conservatives find irritating about liberals, has assembled a crack team of interior design experts (including something called a “design psychologist”) to sniff and scoff at the homes of the red state zillionaires running for President. Turns out, Real Americans are real bad at house picking. On the conservatives’ lack of taste, one NYT-enlisted expert pointed out, bitchily, “I hate to call them McMansions – it gives McDonald’s a bad name.” Oh, snap. Ten free McGriddles for you, sir!

The Times’ look into the candidates’ homes is fascinating, and deliciously mean. But we’ll do them one better— we’ll dictate how the candidates’ houses should look, based on the general stupidity of the stuff they keep saying.

Mitt Romney

Where he lives: Mittens Romney is really, really, really rich and thus owns like 10,000 houses, all of which have very fancy bathrooms with giant tubs and living rooms decorated to look like the model home in a gated community outside of Phoenix. His curtains may have been ironed.
Where he should live: Next door to Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor in a Tim Allen-less reboot of Home Improvement. Mitt Romney plays the neighbor girl’s awkward and unhip dad who is always wearing socks with sandals and Orlando souvenir visors while carrying around trays of ribs.

Michele Bachmann

Where she lives: A newly constructed suburban Minneapolis home that looks like a brown Barbie house that’s metastasized.
Where she should live: In complete servitude and subjugation to her husband, per her life guidebook, The Bible, which she believes in literally.

Ron Paul

Where he lives: Paul and his wife lived in a simple 4-bedroom ranch house with a bunkerlike roof until they moved to a newly constructed place not far away. There’s a pool in the backyard. It’s sort of like the house in The Wonder Years.
Where he should live: A heavily fortified compound in Somalia, governmentless Libertarian Paradise.

Newt Gingrich

Where he lives: Newt lives in a 5,000+ square foot cul-de-sac ending mansion in Virginia. He loves decorating like how kids think Presidents decorate, and the end result is a little bit Donald Trump, a little bit Mount Vernon. I’m sorry to ruin every meal you’re ever going to eat again for the rest of your life, but Newt Gingrich’s bedroom has mirrored walls.
Where he should live: Yeah, that sounds about right.

Rick Santorum

Where he lives: A very traditional-looking Colonial style house with windows that are too small.
Where he should live: San Francisco, where families need defending from the Gay Menace. Or anywhere that lacks the allergens that make him look like he’s about to cry all the time.

Jon Huntsman

Where he lives: The same place the Season 7 Top Chef contestants lived. The place is decorated very professionally, and if there’s anything professional decorators love, it’s making fun of places that look like they were professionally decorated.
Where he should live: Stocktown, the place where stock photo models and their stock photo model families do stereotypical but idealized things like have block parties and play with pinwheels.

Rick Perry

Where he lives: A rented home in a gated community, while the governor’s mansion is being renovated. During his two years there, he’s charged about $600,000 to the state of Texas for renovations, maintenance, and improvements. Fiscal conservatism!
Where he should live: Inside a Coyote/Roadrunner cartoon, where the role of Roadrunner is played by Barack Obama.