Let's Have Sex at Work, Says Everyone

A few weeks ago, Business Week columnist Liz Ryan admitted something crazy: she met her husband at work and you can too! Just like Carrie and Brody or Fitz and Olivia or Don Draper and everyone at Sterling Cooper Draper Price etc etc., your love can and should blossom at the workplace. So why do those fools in Human Resources keep trying to protect themselves from litigation and protect you from sexual harassment? This stuff is consensual, okay?

Following Ryan’s shameful admission, the good people at BI (that stands for Booty Incorporated) decided to do a little reconnaissance of their own to figure out if she was the lone reed in a sea of people who think sex with coworkers is totally inapprop. She’s not! The results are fascinating.

For example, most people think it’s cool to bone at work, especially if you don’t work with the person you’re boning.

But you can’t get it on with someone who is below you in the hierachy of your company. Obviously you can if they’re just like, logistically below you, like that’s the move you’ve chosen together to utilize in your lovemaking.

* 23 people abstained from this question. We see you, 23. We know you made out with that intern that one night over the summer of 2011 after one too many vodka cranberries.

After that night with the intern that you swear is NEVER to be repeated (I’m sorry for bringing it up now, I swear, I’ll stop), don’t worry, you don’t have to feel guilty because there’s no need to tell Kelly from HR. First of all, she’s a huge gossip. Second of all, she insists upon reminding you that her title is like Chief People Person. That’s not a real title.

Everybody has wanted to make-out in a closet with John from sales. And everyone has. It’s fine. Just make sure you don’t have to run into him on the regular. Or that Sally doesn’t find out, because she’s still upset about that time when they had that on-again/off-again fling a few years back and clearly it was never going to go anywhere because she had just broken off her engagement with Greg but she and John really did have a legitimate chemistry, you get why she’s still holding a torch.

A bunch of you are still trying to forget about that time that you got a little flirty with Frank from I.T. It’s okay. He knows you’re ashamed because he wears weird ties. You can stop trying to get your Microsoft Word upgrades from Sal the 65-year-old janitor instead. Frank forgives you.

It’s okay that you had that R-rated dream about Nancy where the two of you were in the copy room and the air conditioning was off so things got a little sweaty and then when you came into the office the next day you couldn’t look at her for a week. Nancy had that dream too.

It’s also okay that you made out with Brad and then a few years later had an ongoing affair with Tim. You’re not alone. It would be bad if you also then acted on your feelings for Bill, because he’s new and also on Tim’s team and Tim still hasn’t forgiven you for that time when you just like…stopped returning his texts and “got sick” when his mom came to town.

And you’re not alone, because even though you’d like to forget about that time when you had the quicky in the hall closet with…what was her name? She was visiting from the Chicago office? Melanie? Anyway, “Melanie” was an anomaly for you but you just found out that Kim and Shelly have been using the “nap” room for less than nap-worthy activities for a year now! So anything you’ve done pales in comparison.

Anyway, you still have your job and you got to have sex and there’s actually been something to talk about with Joan the receptionist because of it. You shouldn’t feel like you have to go get a new job because you’ve had sex with everyone in the office. After all, no one else does.