Hey Jezuits, your friendly neighborhood false prophet here to bring you glad tidings: The trailer for Bravo’s latest foray into idolatry, The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is here and praise the lords it is the way the truth and the life. So let’s welcome our new sisters into the church of botox and extreme eyebrows by getting to know them a little better. Please rise.
Sister Heather is a “purebred, pioneer Mormon,” which leads me to believe that she will be the biggest disappointment in the eyes of Holy Father. But based on her presentation and later scenes in the trailer I’m calling Heather as early season one villain. Heather was previously married to what she describes as “Mormon royalty,” but has since divorced and has sought to distance herself from the Church. In true housewife fashion, Heather is not currently married.
Meredith is Jewish and from Chicago which is great but also opens up a lot of questions: How is she going to deal with the whole Jesus thing when she sits down with her fellow Jesus-is-God castmates? How thick is that Chicago accent going to be? Is she drinking kosher wine? It appears that for this season Meredith’s drama will center around her marriage—on the rocks after 25 years—which in Bravoland is the most boring storyline possible unless your name is Ashley Darby.
First Lady Mary is the lone Pentecostal of the group and is instantly a crowd favorite because her story is, pardon my ungodly language, fucking wild. From her Bravo profile, “Mary Cosby is a Pentecostal First Lady who inherited her family’s empire of churches, restaurants and more. The caveat in her taking over the family business was that she marry her late grandmother’s second husband, Robert Cosby Sr. They have since been married for 20 years and have one teenage son together.” If you are a heathen and do not know what a First Lady is, it just means that she’s not an ordained reverend but is high ranking in the church. (Yes women can be ordained, my mother is a reverend don’t @ me)
Sister Lisa is “Jewish by heritage, Mormon by choice,” and is originally from New York. She’s best friends with Meredith and doesn’t adhere to strict Mormom law which, fucking obviously. If we’re being honest, and as people of faith we always are, Lisa seems like she won’t last more than two seasons based on how boring and curated her Instagram is. Lisa is also a #boymom.
Ex-sister Whitney is an ex-Mormon AKA the season’s problem child of the group. To show just how not Mormon she is, there’s a clip in the trailer of Whitney dancing on a pole for reasons yet to be revealed. Whitney has all the makings of a good Real Housewife. She’s on her second marriage with the man for whom she left her first husband, is accused of being a swinger by Heather, and she appears to be the youngest (looking) cast member.
Then there is Jen who is literally my religious sister as she is a former Mormon in the process of converting to Islam. Hey girl, I’ll save you a spot at prayer. Jen is a Salt Lake City native, she strikes me as the Utah Countess LuAnn. Jen “ loves to host parties and spares no expense - it’s important to her that everyone knows she is the best host in Utah.” Everything I could need or ever want to know about Jen can be summed up in this photo from her Instagram which screams, I am made for television.
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City premieres November 11 on Bravo and you bet your saintly asses I will be sitting front and center with my Bible, my Quran, and cliff notes versions of the Torah and Book of Mormon. Bless up.