After his 10,000 weddings, Justin Bieber is settling into married life. Settling into domesticity with his beautiful bride apparently includes posting several photos of his house on Instagram and asking strangers if he should sell it, because that’s exactly what he did last night. So let’s do what we must: roast this house!
Is the house sprawling, beautiful, and completely impossible for me to own even in my wildest imagination? Yes, but it’s also ugly. I’m not jealous! Stop looking at me, I’m not jealous.
To begin, many of the photos include Bieber’s extensive art collection, and by extensive I mean 20 percent designer skateboards and 80 percent Kaws Bearbrick statues, an expensive staple for all rich, male celebrities aged 18 to 25.
There’s also, as adults often possess, a skee ball machine. I’m reminded of the scene in Big when Tom Hanks fills his loft with toys.
The palette of the home is gray, tan, gray, gray, gray, white, tan, white, gray.
But even with the personalized touches, it still looks eerily empty? Like an IKEA prop room; every pillow in the right place, the living room rug perfectly askew on an angle. For example, I have a lot of questions about this tidy cluster of water bottles in this photo below. Do you have a tidy cluster of water bottles like this in your home?
This is perhaps the most important photo Bieber posted of his house because his greatest decor is hidden behind the wooden slats of the staircase. Please take the time to zoom in on: a wine shelf, positioned next to foosball machine, which sits in front of an industrial Slurpee machine which appears to include both flavors RED and BLUE, the only flavors. The Slurpee machine (or Icee machine, or slushie machine, whatever) tells me, yes, this is a man who thinks of everything.
“I’ll sell it with all the furniture . MAKE AN OFFER,” Bieber wrote on Instagram. Everyone get your checkbook!