The universe works in mysterious ways, but occasionally a gear will click into place and simplify at least one aspect of your troubled adult existence. Examples: cheese going on fries, and the fact that Blair Waldorf and Seth Cohen are dating. See? Motherfucking TOLD YOU. It’s like the plot of The Time Traveler’s Wife set in the WB/CW universe. The real tragedy is that we don’t get a Gossip Girl/O.C. crossover out of it where Serena totes falls for Ryan and his emotionally wounded anecdotes of the hard streets of Chino.
Apparently Leighton Meester and Adam Brody have been going out since they met on the set of upcoming movie The Oranges and have since spent some of January in Bangkok together (ironically the site of Chuck Bass’s opium-fueled meltdown after his dad died, not that I watched the show obsessively and loved it and blew a metric fuck-ton of money on this dress). And I mean also, Bangkok. LOLOLOLZ, it is the name of the city in Thailand where they went, and also funny-sounding because = intercourse.
Guys, what is intercourse? Nobody will tell me. [Page Six]
Jennifer O’Neall, onetime friend and later assistant to Lady Gaga, is demanding $380,000 of unpaid overtime from Mother Monster. Their relationship was acrimonious (O’Neall says that she was given no privacy and treated like a slave on the 2010 tour; Gaga called O’Neall a “fucking hood rat.”) Instead of paying up, Gaga plans on giving O’Neall’s money to a cancer-stricken employee of the Haus, she says:
“Now her parents will keep paying for her and keep her until my cheque comes through, which she doesn’t deserve and I’m not giving to her. She doesn’t deserve a dollar more. I’m going to give all the money she wants to my employees that work hard for me and deserve it. I am going to give it to Sonja for her breast cancer, for her mastectomy. I’m not going to give it to [Jennifer] so she can go and buy a new tube top.”
Which is very philanthropic of her? But wait, I’m having this totally revolutionary idea where you give money to both of them for being your indentured servants. [Daily Mail]
The third installment of Bridget Jones’ Diary by Helen Fielding is coming out next fall in the UK. Meanwhile, Lily Allen has written music for the forthcoming Bridget Jones musical (song ideas: up-tempo “Unsexy Knickers,” slow R&B jam “Snogging My Chap” and Mark Darcy’s soulful romantic ballad “My Gherkin Is Turgid For You”). And also:
A further film sequel Bridget Jones’ Baby by Working Title Films is due for release at some point this year.
Oh NBD, that’s just Renee Zellwegger pratfalling into the abyss. :DDD [BBC]
I hate to admit it, but I’m starting to feel a little sorry for Chris Brown, whose public likability quotient currently rests somewhere between Hitler and Mel Gibson’s. Yesterday, after L.A. courts began to consider revoking his probation because he may have falsified his community service hours in Virginia, he got emo on his now-private Instagram:
“Im wise I can handle the hate but enough is enough yo!! […] Im a human being and I honestly think I deserve respect im sick of being accused. Im Tired yall just dont understand Ive been going through this shit since I was 19 years old..you cant sit here and tell me to calm down, when am I gonna get a positive outcome out of anything I do?”
Just when everything seems to be going good, some new shit happens. A day in my shoes is a day in hell, believe it or not!”
That’s some 2003-suburban-Livejournal shit right there. [E!]
Guy Fieri bugged out when he got turned away from a VIP Super Bowl party. Look, Frosted Tips, you still get to eat delectable plates of straight-up Americana bacon-wrapped bacon ice cream hamburgers for an insurmountable pile of money. Pick your battles. [NYDN]
- Allen Iverson lost his manse in foreclosure. [TMZ]
- “Mama” June Shannon of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo lost 100 lbs in a year without working out or dieting, but attributing it to how the show’s producers “have me running around.” Expect the Be Running Around And Stuff diet book to hit #1 on the NYT bestseller’s list shortly. [TMZ]
- In which Jennifer Lawrence describes her short-lived stint as a carefree, beachy Young in the Abercrombie & Fitch ads: “[The other models] were model footballing. I was real footballing.” [Team Coco]
- Beyoncé’s snakeskin/iguana/leather butt doily sartorial extravaganza during the Super Bowl has angered PETA. And also probably that snake, that iguana and that cow. [NME]
- David Beckham was almost naked for H&M, and for you and me. [Express]
- The ship steward who claimed John Travolta tried to get a rub-and-tug on the high seas has dropped his case. [NYDN]
- Oh, okay. Charlie Sheen now blames his 2011 meltdown on “too much testosterone cream,” which totally sounds like a euphemism Charlie Sheen would use for the contents of his seminal vesicles. But come on, guys, it was cocaine. [SF Gate]
- Kim Kardashian, who was vocally anti-gun on Twitter after the Sandy Hook massacre, posted a diamond gun to Instagram and everybody flipped the fuck out as if she was a Serious Person who should not flip-flop on The Important Issues instead of a person who designed the motherfucking “Kardashian Kollection.” [ABC News]
- Speaking of which, Kylie and Kendall Jenner say they don’t want to be Kardashians. [Us Weekly]
- Britney Spears is heading to Vegas but won’t make that much dolla$. (In celebrity terms, not like “normal person” terms.) [Daily Mail]
- Supposedly the Spice Girls musical Viva Forever sucks wicked taintballs, but sipping on a themed cocktail almost makes the plane ticket worthwhile. [Daily Mail]
- In a twist that absolutely does not surprise my seventh grade numbly-watching-a-Laguna Beach-marathon-in-Erin Higgins’-basement self, Kristen Cavillari’s fiancee proposed to her over text message. [Sowetan Live]
- Sandra Bullock’s son Louis and Matthew McConaughey’s kids Levi and Vida played together at the zoo. [Us Weekly]
- Michelle Williams had no idea that Jason Segel was anything other than a tall, random, un-famous Muggle when they started dating. [Too Fab]
- The One Where Courteney Cox and Matthew Perry Reunite On That Show Go On That Nobody Really Watches, Right? [Us Weekly]
- Speaking of Thailand! A sketch about three guys learning some choice Thai phrases via Rosetta Stone (“How much,” “Is that for the whole night,” “Ping-pong ball”) has pissed off Thailand’s governmental officials. [Page Six]
- Does everyone just Photoshop Demi Lovato’s cute freckles out? [World of Wonder]
- Actual thing that happened and also a good story kickoff idea for, say, George Saunders: Justin Bieber passionately made out with a mannequin head. [Radar Online]
- Madonna auctioned off the gear and costumes from her ill-fated MDNA tour for Sandy relief. [Page Six]
- It’s still so weird that Kristin Chenoweth and The Bachelor’s Jake Pavelka are dating. Just saying. Weird. [Page Six]
- Awesome vintage pics of Zsa Zsa Gabor just ‘cuz. [TIME]
- Uncle Luke wrote an open letter to Rick Ross that warns him to calm down lest he end up like Biggie. [The Life Files]
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