Least Favorite Chris Gives Life Advice

Chris Pratt, who still ranks DEAD LAST in the official Jezebel ranking of famous Chrises (in case you need a refresher, Chris Pine remains Top Chris), recently gave an acceptance speech.

Pratt was awarded the *checks notes* “Generation Award” at Monday night’s MTV Movie & TV Awards and used his golden popcorn-encrusted platform to dispel some words of wisdom onto…whoever was watching the broadcast, since young people don’t watch television anymore.

CNN reports that Pratt spoke of his “nine rules for living,” which are as corny as they sound. They include:

1. “Breathe. If you don’t, you will suffocate.”

2. “You have a soul. Be careful with it.”

3. “Don’t be a turd. If you are strong, be a protector. If you are smart, be a humble influencer. Strength and intelligence can be weapons, so do not wield them against the weak. That makes you a bully. Be bigger than that.”

4. “When giving a dog medicine, put the medicine in a little piece of hamburger and they won’t even know they’re eating medicine.”

5. “It doesn’t matter what it is. Earn it. A good deed. Reach out to someone in pain. Be of service. It feels good and it’s good for your soul.”

6. “God is real. God loves you, God wants the best for you. Believe that, I do.”

7. “If you have to poop at a party, but you’re embarrassed because you’re going to stink up the bathroom, just do what I do. Lock the door, sit down, get all of the pee out first. And then, once all the pee is done, poop, flush, boom! You minimize the amount of time that the poop’s touching the air. Because if you poop first, it takes you longer to pee and then you’re peeing on top of it, stirring up the poop particles, create a cloud, goes out, then everyone at the party will know that you pooped. Just trust me, it’s science.”

8. “Learn to pray. It’s easy, and it is so good for your soul.”

9. “Nobody is perfect. People will tell you that you are perfect just the way that you are, you are not! You are imperfect. You always will be, but there is a powerful force that designed you that way, and if you are willing to accept that, you will have grace. And grace is a gift. Like the freedom that we enjoy in this country, that grace was paid for with somebody else’s blood. Do not forget that. Don’t take that for granted.”

I put on my lab coat and fake eyeglasses and ran this newfound information through Jezebel’s computer systems. I took the results, printed in .6279 font out on 55-foot tiny ticker tape, and consulted the Jezebel staff. “He’s definitely still the last on our Chris list right?” I asked. “By a country mile,” said Kelly Faircloth. “He’s definitely the kind of guy who overuses the word ‘awesome’ to describe Jesus,” Stassa Edwards added.