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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Lauren Boebert Needs 5 Days to Read This Story

The Colorado lawmaker proposed that Congress have five days to "read and consider bills." Maybe the people of Colorado should consider someone new for the job.

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Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-Colo.) struggles with spelling, understanding why her husband shouldn’t expose himself to teenagers, basic human decency, and, apparently, reading.

“Members should have five days to read and consider bills before voting on them,” she said in a recent video. Five days—a full standard workweek—is a long ass time to accomplish one of the only tasks your job actually requires.

I have to assume Boebert believes her job is only to tweet, wear “Lets Go Brandon” dresses, and scream about kids “being groomed” because they see a drag show, and that reading legislation that would impact the people of her district is just some annoying thing that takes her away from time spent with her family guns.

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However, I can confidently say that it is her job to read and vote on bills. That’s literally what the people of Colorado are paying her to do. Obviously, there’s a bit more to her job—constituent service is important—but not so much that it should require a mandatory five-day window to accomplish one of the main duties of being a congresswoman.

If a doctor told me she would need five days to operate on my broken shoulder, I’d go to a different doctor. If a restaurant told me they would need five days to prepare my food, I’d go to a different restaurant. If I told my editor I would need five days to write 400 words on Boebert being stupid, she would find someone else to do it. (Ed. note: Lauren filed over 700 words.) Maybe the people of Colorado’s 3rd district should consider finding someone who doesn’t need five days to read a stack of papers. Boebert, clearly, needs a break.

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“Democrats being outraged that I’m pushing to force a five-day period for legislators to actually read legislation before they pass it tells you everything you need to know about how they think government should work,” Boebert tweeted after people started making fun of her for needing nearly a week to read something. “Know what’s in the bill BEFORE passing it. Pretty simple.”

Unfortunately, I share a name and a zodiac sign with Boebert. So as a fellow Sagittarius Lauren, let me just say: Lauren, no one is “outraged,” we are amused. And we’re amused because what you said is stupid.

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Of course, Republicans—especially Boebert’s brand of Republican—are nothing if not hypocritical. Just 24 hours before proposing that lawmakers need more time to read bills so that they fully “understand” them, Boebert mocked Vice President Kamala Harris for describing herself to a room of disability organization leaders—so they could understand what she looks like.

“Kamala Harris...clarified that she was a ‘woman’ sitting at the table wearing a blue suit. This is what happens when your speechwriter quits and you hang around with Geriatric Joe too long,” Boebert tweeted.

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If Boebert had taken a moment to learn who Harris was talking to, she would have discovered that everyone in the room was blind or visually impaired—though I guess it would have taken Boebert five days to figure that out.

(I’d say I hope she sees this, but I don’t want to stress her out with any more reading material.)