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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Launch Me Into the Sun: Horoscopes for March 22-29

This week in our astrology column, we’ve got Mercury and Neptune stirring up communication shenanigans and Saturn giving Venus a performance review.

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Welcome back, Earthlings, to your weekly astro update! This week, we’ve got Mercury and Neptune stirring up some confusion stew that will come to a boil on March 23.

For a tiny planet, Mercury seems to cause some big problems. You might have heard people bemoan Mercury retrogrades, an annoying habit the little guy has of traveling backwards for about three weeks, three or four times a year (or at least, that’s how it looks from Earth.) Mercury rules communication, so whenever he’s back on his shit, he brings information snafus and technology glitches that can range from Twitter misfires to full on computer meltdowns. Astro nerds have mercury retrograde dates outlined in red sharpie on their calendar, and avoid signing any contracts, launching anything important or traveling (at least without the backup of the unsung heroes at AAA). We don’t have Mercury going retrograde again until May 10, but his meetup with Neptune in Pisces on March 23 means he’ll be up to similar shenanigans. Pisces is ruled by Neptune, and both are about the collective unconscious and the shit below the surface, so looking for any truth or clarity during this time would feel like herding cats. Mercury will be the busybody on the block who starts the rumor that it’s really wine in your coffee mug on your morning walk (even though that only happened like ONE TIME, Debra.) Luckily, Mercury is not only the sun’s most annoying neighbor, he’s also the closest, which means he zips by pretty fast. He’ll be into Aries and out of our hair (for now) by March 27. In the meantime this week, enjoy the weirdness of this transit, which could bring some bizarre dreams and intuitive hits. Pay attention to messages from your gut, not just your Slack notifications.

We’ve also got Venus, the planet of love, money and relationships, touching base with Saturn in Aquarius on March 28 for her performance review. Saturn will be all, “What would you say … you do here?” Venus has already been through the ringer with her other outer planet bosses, and rather than scream hysterically that she has people skills, she’ll have the opportunity to give an honest assessment of the current state of her work and relationships. How we handle this will be up to us, and by no means am I advising you to tell your supervisor, “It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.” But Venus and her boyfriend Mars are now in new territory in Aquarius, the sign of the future, and we’re definitely not in (old guard) Capricorn anymore, Toto. You might find that being honest about your needs and goals now could land you an unexpected promotion in work or relationships, and not just a shitty millennial promotion, either. Or, you could find that you’re ready for an entirely new direction, and walking away from a person/place/job/thing that’s felt safe but that you’ve clearly outgrown. Now that the sun’s moved into Aries, we’ve crossed the spring equinox and a new year-long Zodiac cycle has begun, it might feel good to symbolically thank the old thing for its service and move on (no need to destroy a printer.)

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Here’s how each sign can best navigate the astro-weather this week:

Aries

You’re a direct communicator, so any nonsense from a confusing Mercury transit leaves you pulling your hair out. If you’re looking for an answer this week, you could be met with a shrug or the dreaded “k” text. Be patient – you’ll have the planet of communication all to yourself in your sign next week, so hold off until then for any big conversations.

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Taurus

You like to make decisions based on what you can see, hear, touch, taste or smell. This week’s Mercury/Neptune tango will ask you to trust instead what you feel, which for you will be uncomfortable at best and blasphemous at worst. Practice giving your intuition the benefit of the doubt, and you might be surprised at how on point it can be.

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Gemini

Like your Taurean neighbors, you communicate based on information gleaned from the world around you, but you’re more willing to experiment with unconventional sources. This week, be open to messages that arise when you’re in a state of daily mindfulness, like while taking a shower or washing the dishes. You don’t have to be Yoda to tune in to your internal GPS system.

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Cancer

Unlike your Aries friends, you don’t mind getting vague answers, since you’re more concerned with the emotions behind the message anyway. This week, instead of demanding to know why your friend texted you in that tone, remember that emotions are running high for everyone. Try not to take people’s words too personally.

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Leo

You can powerpoint to your heart’s content, but any meetings or important conversations this week are bound to stray way off topic. Rather than enforce your agenda with an iron fist, allow others to bring up what’s bothering them, even if it’s that Rhode Island is neither a road nor an island. Let folks “discuss” and circle back to your top-lines when Mercury hits Aries next week.

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Virgo

Mercury’s tomfoolery can be a source of major anxiety for your detail-oriented soul. If you don’t know the answer, it’s not a personal failing on your part, nor is it your responsibility to find answers for others. It’s okay to make like a Magic 8-Ball and say, “Reply hazy, try again.”

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Libra

You tend to think of the world in relative terms rather than absolutes, so when Mercury seasons your week with extra confusion, you’ll take it in stride. Nonetheless, everyone will be on the struggle bus when it comes to communication, even your diplomatic ass. If you can, wait till after the 27th to make any big decisions or have any important conversations.

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Scorpio

If someone’s motivation isn’t clear, which it won’t be this week, you’re likely to assume the worst. Check your tendency to file everything unknown into the “suspicious” category – just because someone is being unusually withdrawn today doesn’t mean they’re harboring a dark secret. Also, maybe lay off the true crime documentaries for a bit?

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Sagittarius

Your vision and optimism will serve you well this week, when there’s a fog of confusion settling in over day-to-day communication. You’re comfortable keeping the ship steered towards your true North, even if details are hard to come by. Help others stay on their own path when they’re tempted to be thrown off course by a passing storm.

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Capricorn

You might tell others you’re not one to judge their actions, but it’s a bit hard to see past your David Rose face. There will be a lot you don’t know this week about why people are acting the way they do. Have compassion for others even if you don’t understand them, and don’t forget to afford the same kindness to yourself.

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Aquarius

We love you dudes for your individuality and your ability to communicate your eccentric interests, but keep in mind that people will be feeling extra sensitive this week. Keep your conversations affable and bite back the urge to tweet that hot take. If you need to address a major point of contention, do so after Mercury hits Aries on the 27th.

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Pisces

You’ll have success with trying to get your point across in your own fluid way this week. Communication will turn more direct when Mercury enters Aries, which will be a relief for many, but intimidating for you. Write any important emails now, but consider schedule-sending them to your non-Piscean friends after the 27th, when they’ll be in a better place to respond.