Greetings, Earthlings, and welcome to your weekly astro update! If you’re astro-curious but can’t tell the difference between a birth chart and an Excel spreadsheet, I’ve got you. Think of this column like an astrological weather report with a side of suggestions to help you navigate the celestial influences in your own life. But don’t forget, we all have free will. I can tell you if it’s going to rain, but it’s up to you to bring the umbrella. We’re out here using the stars to level up, not trying to guess when some asshole will text us back. So, if you’re game—get in, losers, we’re going space traveling.
Last week, the Pisces New Moon fist-bumped Jupiter, the planet of luck and expansion, marking a new beginning after a period of stagnation and/or emotionally fraught endings. We’re finally starting to break free from the intensity of the last few months, when we were dealing with some gnarly retrogrades. (That’s when a planet appears from Earth to be spinning backwards, and astro nerds freak out.) Mercury, the planet of communication, was back on his shit Jan. 13–to Feb. 3, sowing confusion, chaos and autocorrect malfunctions. Venus, the planet of love, money and relationships, spent her vacation in Capricorn Dec. 18–January 28 getting roasted by bossy outer planets like some kind of Zodiac version of Kitchen Nightmares. If you were trying to move anything forward in your life, you could have felt like you were wading through superglue. If something ended, it was probably kind of dramatic – like, the airline attendant who quit his job by grabbing two beers and going down the emergency slide, dramatic.
Now, we’ve got all planets spinning direct again, adding some WD-40 to the wheels, but where to next? Well, we’ve got Mars and Venus making out most of March, highlighting relationships, which would be fun and sexy except for fucking Pluto, the third wheel. Mars represents the masculine energies in our lives, and Venus, the feminine – regardless of what kind of body you’re in or transitioning into, everyone has some of each. Unfortunately, the lovebirds just exited Capricorn and the “Pluto carwash,” as my girl Molly McCord frames it. Pluto, the planet of transformation, scrubbed away our old version of what it means to be in a relationship, leaving us in a bit of a void. Eventually, this will be a good thing, but in the moment it’s about as pleasant as a cold shower.
With Mars and Venus now joyriding through visionary Aquarius, single folk, it’s time to think about what kind of relationships you’re in the market for now. (I’m talking to the you that’s here in 2022, not the one on OKCupid in 2012.) Attached folk, it’s time to ask each other some tough questions, and I’m not talking about what to watch on Netflix, either. Wherever you end up, whether that’s in relationships, work, or elsewhere, the Aquarius influence will be inviting our most authentic selves to enter the chat.
Not to get too “live laugh love” here, but the most important relationship we have is with ourselves. With Mercury entering Pisces on March 9 and the sun in Pisces high-fiving Neptune (Pisces’ ruling planet) on March 13, we could fall back into old patterns of abandoning our own needs in the process of intuiting the needs of others. The good news is that the new you doesn’t have to suck at boundaries. Pisces season reminds us that the Golden Rule works both ways, and that we should also treat ourselves the way we treat others. If you use the watery energy to speak your own love language, regardless of your relationship status, you could be a lot happier by iced coffee season. (Unless you’re from New England, in which case it’s always iced coffee season.)
Here’s how each sign can best navigate relationships with themselves and others this week.