Last of the Great Teen Lovers Arrested for Stealing Discount Vibrator

Picture this: You’re 18, you’re in love and you’re also, inexplicably, in a Spencer’s. The object of your affection, the only person who has ever and will ever matter, lifts up a box featuring a $13 vibe and says “I need this. I need this.” You want to give her everything she wants. Hell, you’d pull down the moon for her if she so wished, but you don’t have $13. What do you do?

For one Florida teen, the decision was easy. If his girlfriend wanted a discounted vibe from one of the lower-end novelty shops in the mall, she was going to get it. But, I imagine, since Oscar Gil couldn’t afford both the vibrator and a delicious pastry from Cinnabon that day, he chose to sticky-finger the sex toy, hiding its package with other merchandise and concealing the personal massager in his pocket on his suspiciously casual way out of the store.

While there’s nothing good I can say about Spencer’s products, decor or customer service, The Smoking Gun reports that the store Gil and his lady-friend were in had one thing going for it: An eagle-eyed manager with an insatiable thirst for justice. The manager caught Gil, took him to the back and called police. When questioned about his life and his choices, Gil said that stealing the vibrator was “stupid” and that he’d only done it because his friend wanted it. He was arrested and then subsequently released on a $500 bond.

What’s most upsetting about this story is not that Gil shoplifted (teenagers will do that shit and they will get caught and either never do it again or use this as part of their “how I became a criminal” origin story), but that he was dating someone unsophisticated enough as to think that a novelty vibrator from Spencer’s was going to do any kind of sexual job with its poor construction and scratchy plastic that catches on accidental folds of skin you didn’t know you had. You go to Spencer’s for emo music and cool Sailor Moon t-shirts or that one tank top with the cat riding the sky in a fucking taco, not for well-made sexual items. I don’t want to give Gil any more ideas for the future, but if you’re going to steal vibes, you should go for a Lelo or something. I hear that’s a good brand.