Lady Gaga Is Totally Copying My and Beyoncé's Personal Bangs

Before we could recover from the ramifications of the Great Beyoncé Bang Situation of last week, we were blindsided with another snip of the fringe: Lady Gaga, who showed up in Manchester, England, last night wearing a pageboy and super asymmetrical bangs. A press release sent to Jezebel from Chicago hairstylist George Gonzalez claimed Gaga’s “‘micro bang’ is a bold statement cut, and the right amount of texture is key to pulling them off.” The Daily Mail wrote that Gaga “has clearly been influenced by Beyoncé Knowles.”

I don’t doubt she was influenced by Beyoncé Knowles, because everyone in the music industry is influenced by Beyoncé Knowles, one way or another, whether via haircuts or melisma runs or dance moves or business acumen, etc. But you know who else Lady Gaga was influenced by? ME. Those were my fucking bangs, goddammit. I’ve had them for like two years, dun. And I stole them from Chanel Resort 2013, dogs, which my hairstylist (Shaun Surething at Seagull, bless) and I then took to an even further extreme by shaving a little part into my hairline. I’m not even mad at Lady Gaga because she can’t e’en front because I INVENTED THE BANG. THIS BANG. ALL BANGS. BECAUSE IT’S NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. BELIEVE ME!

When Beyoncé first emerged with her baby bang, and the internet went bananas, she was compared to Grimes, which, pssshhh: Beyoncé had baby bangs in the “Telephone” video, which are a direct reference to Bettie Page bangs, and also Grimes’ bangs are straight-up descended from Kathleen Hanna and Tobi Vail from Bikini Kill and Jen Smith from Bratmobile, with a touch of Rooney Mara as Lisbeth Salander, and Yolandi Visser, all of whom were doing this ish years ago because a baby bang is perennial, and perennially chic if you wear it with confidence. In other words, everyone stop trying to make baby bangs happen because they been happening for at least like, 60 years. They’re always happening. Amélie, Shannyn Sossamon, Hayley Williams, Molly Soda.

Dear readers, do whatever you want with your bangs, do whatever makes you feel comfortable, do you. Unless you are Lady Gaga and stealing my and Beyoncé’s steez in which case: stop that.