Ladies, You Are at Your Ugliest at This Exact Moment

Let’s check in: how are you feeling today, right now, at 3:30 pm on a Wednesday?

“Frozen to the bone,” you might say (if you live on the East Coast), or “bored,” or “hungry,” or “excited about Mad Men returning in April.”

All of those answers are incorrect. The only suitable answer is: “like an ugly, ancient, cadaverous spinster crone.”

According to a new study by St. Tropez, a tanning brand/the patron saint of old biddies, women look their oldest at 3:30 pm every Wednesday. The scientific basis for this assertion can best be understood by analyzing the schedule of the average woman who, well-meaning as she may be, has no clue that she will turn into Medusa as soon as the clock strikes on hump day. Let Nichola Joss, St. Tropez skin expert, explain:

Saturday: Cosmo time with the girls!

Almost half of women (46 per cent) are likely to indulge in a boozy treat at the weekend – another reason why women look their eldest mid-week.

Ms Joss says it can take a few days for the signs of the boozy weekend to show.

She added: “Processing the toxins in alcohol and sugar can put strain on the body.

“It can take up to 72 hours for the visible effects of alcohol to show, so the effects of drinking on the weekend may not present themselves until Wednesday afternoon.”

Countdown to H-Day (Hag-Day): T-minus 72 hours.

Monday: Ladies be stressed!

The shock of going back to work was shown to give many women sleepless nights.

More than a third (37 per cent) reported Monday night is when they are most likely to get a bad night’s sleep.

Ms Joss added: “A lack of sleep on a Monday does not bode well for how the skin will look on Wednesday.

“The effects of a lack of sleep can take 48 hours to show on the face, so if many women sleep badly on Monday they will look their oldest on Wednesday.”

Monday is also the day most women are likely to abandon their skincare regime, throwing all caution to the wind and sliding further down the imminent road to hagdom.

Countdown to H-Day: T-48 hours.

Wednesday: H-Day!! H-Day!!

The research shows one in ten women (12 per cent) find Wednesday the most stressful day in a typical week…A quarter of women feel stressed several times a week – while one in five (19 per cent) admit they will work through Wednesday’s lunch hour…This forces a quarter of women to reach for a sugary snack on a bid to boost their mood and energy.

Nichola Joss, St. Tropez skin expert, said: “It’s fascinating that 3.30pm on a Wednesday is the time women look their oldest.

“Combine the highest stress levels of the week on a Wednesday with the natural mid-afternoon slump and it seems that’s why women can look older than their years.”

All hope is not lost, however.

Thursday: SEXXXXY NIGHT.

According to the study, most women have sex on Thursdays, which seems random? (Although I guess we’re all just fucking the pain of H-Day away.)

It gives them a youthful rosy glow which could contribute to why women feel so happy on a Friday – 60 per cent name it as their happiest day.

“As the mid-week slump passes and stress levels begin to decrease, it’s fascinating that Thursday is the evening they are most likely to feel amorous,” Joss said.

You heard her: it’s all FASCINATING. Look in the mirror and fascinate yourself by thinking about all of the different reasons why you’re ugly/how looking your age is the worst thing that could ever happen to a woman. Then, please go sort yourself out by buying some products. Ever heard of St. Tropez tanner? We hear it’s better than sex, swearsies!